What a day - here's the scoop:

- I went to the radiation oncologist today and he is suggesting either Proton Beam treatment or Neutron treatment. Proton would be in Houston and Neutron would be in Chicago or Seattle (the only two neutron facilities in the U.S.). He said that the treatment could be up to 5 or 6 weeks if in fact I am accepted for treatment. That's a whole new spin on my life to be away from my family and friends for that long. Please pray that we would have clarity and discernment over the next few days as we speak with these facilities and make decisions.

- I called my surgeon today to tell him I was having increased pain and decreased mobility in the hip joint over the last few days. He has scheduled me for a scan tomorrow at 2:45 pm (it was originally scheduled for next week) and will see me on Friday at 10:15 am to look at the scans and find out what is going on. Please pray that the tumor is not regrowing and that I am just a slow healer. I know it is likely I will have at least a hip replacement sometime in the next year due to the loss of cartilage (unless God miraculously gives me more!), but am really trying to avoid the more drastic surgery which may need to be done if the tumor returns.

Mom and dad are coming in tomorrow afternoon to help for a few days. If I am accepted for these treatments in Houston, Chicago or Seattle, the treatment will probably begin within the next couple of weeks. Thank God for email and web applications that I can do from anywhere! I'll REALLY be begging for work if I'm stuck in a foreign land by myself for 5-6 weeks!!

Whew - and God is STILL in control though at the moment nothing else seems to be:) Thanks for your prayers and your love. And to think, just last night I was thinking - "It's time to get back in the game and start defining the new norm" ... not so fast, cowgirl ... one day at a time. I was worried that I was starting to get depressed and now I just don't have time for it:)

But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. O my Strength, I sing praise to you; you, O God, are my fortress, my loving God. Psalm 59:16-17

It's been a good day. I did get to go to church this morning and it was so great to see everyone. Ryan serves on the Promiseland Tech Team for the 8:30 service, so it is a challenge to be ready to leave at 7:45 am when you move as slowly as I am right now. What'll it be like when I eventually am able to serve on Worship Team again - I have to leave at 6:15 am in order to do that:) When that happens, I hope I never forget what a "privilege" it is to serve!

I didn't try to drive this weekend. John had me practice in the recliner. The problem is moving from the gas to the brake. I tell my leg to move - it just doesn't do it! I'm hoping to start physical therapy in the next two to three weeks after the follow-up scan.

This morning, I think I realized that perhaps I am afraid to jump back into life -- mostly because I am afraid it will never be the same and I'm not totally sure how I will handle that. I've never been the little engine that had to think myself into doing something! I'm more like the engine at the top of the hill waiting impatiently for the other engines to join me:)

YES it's true. I will never be the same. Cancer is now woven into my life's tapestry, as well as all of the positive aspects of going through this trial. Success will now be redefined. Expectations and capacity will have to be altered. Normal will have new boundaries. The truth is this may have to occur several times over the coming years. Our futures on this earth are not as secure as we might like to think they are.

I'm still very much in the fire, but am adjusting to the heat. I don't think the flames have subsided, but I do think the presence of God is overshadowing me in a most powerful way. There is no safer place to be. There is no place I'd rather be - honestly. The only security we have is of the eternal.

He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Psalm 62:6-8

Denial: "It can't be happening."
Anger: "Why me? It's not fair."
Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my children graduate."
Depression: "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"
Acceptance: "It's going to be OK."

And these are the stages of grief. I revisted them this morning to see if I could figure out where I was in "the process". I think I haven't settled on any of them for very long ... maybe it's multiple grief disorder:)

I've communicated with quite a few people in the support group and they all seem to be impressed that I'm doing as well as I am -- WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?? :) No one ever told me what to expect in recovery, so I just assumed I'd be back to normal in 3 or 4 weeks. It's almost 7 now and I'm still pathetic!

John said he may take me out today and let me try to drive (I feel like I'm 16 again:) I think I can push the pedals, just not sure I can move from the gas to the brake. My aunt said I should put one foot on the brake and one on the gas - but that's just not something you get onto 380 and try!

When I am honest with myself, I admit I'm in a good place. Though it's difficult at times, it's good. I know that I am totally dependent upon God and totally dependent upon the help of others. That's an incredibly humbling and vulnerable place for me. Though I've always relied upon God to give me the strength to accomplish lots of tasks, I think I've been guilty of taking many things for granted.

May this experience above all give me incredible gratitude for life, for opportunity, for God's incredible provision in my life. He is the great "I Am". He is my Healer, my Provider, my Strength, my Peace, my Lord, my Savior.

I think I've mentioned this before, but on November 26, we had a staff retreat. During our prayer and worship time at the end of the day, I felt God prompting me to read Psalm 23. Of course I've read it a million times - but for those of you who were there, you may remember that God's spirit overcame me as I read it - in fact, I wasn't sure I'd finish the short eight verses. I believe that was God overshadowing me with His Spirit and preparing me for what was ahead. He is faithful.

For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Hebrews 4:12-13

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. I Thessalonians 5:16-18

So there's really not a lot of mystery of what God's will is for me today ... to be joyful, pray and give thanks! Sounds like a good plan, but I have to be honest - some days I'm not so good at it.

I had a lot of pain last night and ended up sleeping in the recliner from 2:00 am until morning. Bones, muscles and nerves really like to stir up a ruckus when they are healing in case you've never had the pleasure of experiencing this. In my mind, I'm strong, healthy and able. My body has its own mind:)

And so I wait - and so I listen - and so I rest - and so I wait (did I say that already??) God has a plan and I know He is healing me in many ways.

I got a call from the radiation oncologist today and I will meet with him on Monday morning to learn of options and risks of possible treatment plans. I pray again that God will give us clear direction and peace as he did with the chemo doctor this week.

My God can. He is able. He is in control.

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. II Corinthians 9:8

Well, we were out seven hours yesterday! Needless to say, when we got home last night I was exhausted. The visit with the medical oncologist went well. It seems they are proactive and have assured me that my questions will be answered and my calls returned so that is a BIG step forward. Other than that, the doc confirmed that the risks of chemo far outweigh the benefits. He is scheduling me with a radiation oncologist next week to find out about radiation possibilities. He is also moving my scan up a little and then will meet with me in two weeks to draft a plan. I also heard from MD Anderson yesterday and they say we need to wait for the scan before we determine anything. So, it was a good day of confirmation.

I've been thinking about the "what-ifs" of life alot these days and generally how it's so easy to let the "ifs" of life control how we respond in our daily lives. Very often they are excuses for not moving ahead in positive ways. Fear is certainly paralyzing. We've got to live for TODAY, people!

Sometimes we say things like "when I make more money, I will give more" or "when I have more time, I will volunteer" or "if I was talented like you, I'd serve too".

Why do we "rest" in futures we may never have or at other times "dwell" in pasts that we cannot change or relive? I truly believe God is interested in what we do TODAY - in the times when we feel we have nothing left to give - in the times when we close our ears to one more plea - in the times when we say we don't have time - or times when we use our personal perception of our lack of talent or ability as an excuse not to act.

Would you fail to make a difference today because you think there will be plenty of opportunities tomorrow? Don't let today's opportunities pass you by - an opportunity to praise God, an opportunity to encourage someone, an opportunity to say "I love you", an opportunity to lend a helping hand, give a dollar, give a hug. THIS is the meaning of life: to worship God and serve others. So do your best today, make choices that count, live every day as if it were your last, live without regrets ... HERE AND NOW.

But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations. Psalm 33:11

In Christian service, the branches that bear the most fruit hang the lowest. Anonymous

It is with true humility (probably the purest humility ever) that Christ made Himself a man and ultimately suffered and died on a cross. He was God and by His nature could have chosen not to do this, but He did it FOR US. What an example of humility. What an example of love.

What an example to follow! I pray that we all can remain low branches - that bear great fruit and that never try to raise ourselves above the "lower limbs". It does the Kingdom absolutely no good for us to be the top limb and though we appear to be reaching toward the heavens, actually make no difference for those that are so desperately trying to find nourishment from the tree.

I've always been the happiest when I am able to plan, create and serve behind the scenes and let others be in the limelight. I truly love seeing other people succeed. Even though that is my heart, there are certainly times when my carnal nature peaks its selfish head out:)

I am so blessed to come from a family of servants. My grandfather on my dad's side was a music minister for over 50 years (in the same church) - I'm pretty sure he never got a penny for it. He did it for his love of music and his love of people (and there are many people who now owe their love of music to him). He loved the Lawrence Welk show - can't help but smile everytime I see a rerun!

My mom's parents both served so faithfully for so many years - I think my Papa Jake mowed the church lawn for 50 years and probably did more auto repair for free than for charge as a self-employed mechanic! My granny served in every way possible in the church until she has been homebound in the last few years to take care of Papa Jake. My mom has served in every possible capacity in the church and in the public schools for years. I am married to a man who would give the shirt off of his back to help someone in need (we have stories to tell!) I have other family members too that are so generous. What a Godly example! What an example of running counter-cultural - especially in today's society. That is the motivation for my work ethic - that I would serve and would serve well (and if it's worth doing, it's worth doing well:)

Just this morning, my granny emailed me to tell me that she had been praying that God would let her bear some of my pain. Well, she fell on her back porch on Friday and hurt her hip:) I told her no more praying to take my pain!

Servanthood is my example and servanthood is my purpose. We are no good to a dying world if we aren't meeting their needs and providing the nourishment they need to make it onto the tree.
"Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Mark 10:43-45

I joined a cyber support group for pelvic chondrosarcoma this week. It has been great to chat with people who have experienced what I'm going through - there aren't many of us, you know! Here is a great video that one of my new friends sent - hope you enjoy it as much as I did. I have a six-week appointment with the medical oncologist on Tuesday. I am praying that they present a compelling treatment plan and that God will give us great peace and discernment.
http://www.thesurvivormovie.com/

The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you." So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. "Greetings," he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. Matthew 28:5-9

What a beautiful day. I can't believe tomorrow is Easter. This will be a very different Easter for us. For one, we are usually very busy at church on Easter or else we are spending the weekend with family. Looks like we'll do neither this year!

John bought some Easter baskets for the boys and we are planning to dye some eggs. They both love to dye eggs and Ryan loves deviled eggs (he's even getting pretty good at making them!) Hopefully I'll be able to get up and get ready and get to church.

Progress is painstakingly slow, but I must be patient. I was emailing with a friend yesterday about how we sometimes live our lives just wanting to get past the big stressful events and we miss the "beauty" of the event. I am praying that God will continue to show me the "beauty" of this trial:)

Some days are easier than others, but I'd like to think I have a pretty good perspective ... most of the time. Thank you for your encouraging cards and visits, your emails and your phone calls. You make my burden lighter.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. I Peter 1:3-9

I can't control all the circumstances, but I have One who lives within me who is able to triumph over them all, because if He triumphed over death, is there anything that can happen to me that is too much for Him? David Jeremiah

Nothing is impossible for Him. Nothing is hopeless. Nothing is beyond the realm of His will. On this Good Friday, I stop once again to thank God for His provision for me on the cross.

My sin and my sickness were nailed to that cross many years ago. His death means that when I asked Him into my heart at age 5, He removed my sin as far as the East is from the West ...

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
Psalm 103:11-12

His death means that sickness will never conquer me ... He gives me courage and strength to fight on earth and even in death I gain eternal life. Absolutely NOTHING can separate me from His unfathomable love. I am overwhelmed by His faithfulness and His love for me. Through Him, I have victory, in the precious name and blood of Jesus.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

My life is blessed. God has been so faithful in every way to meet every need that we have ever had. I have no reason to believe that He will not continue to meet our needs!

There was the church I grew up in Waco and attended through college. That's where I first learned to serve - first in a bus ministry to mostly inner-city kids, then as a piano teacher and Children's Church leader, then as a Bible Study leader. How God blessed me in my time there.

In 1984, I moved to Dallas and then got married in 1985 and we attended Metroplex Chapel in Euless and were there for nine years. This was an incredible time of learning to do ministry as a couple. We taught three-year-olds, led a home group, served on leadership teams and worship teams and when we left, we thought we'd never find people or a pastor that we loved so much anywhere else in the world. We were there basically from the beginning of the church's existence and the church was running over 900 when we left. How God blessed us in our time there.

In 1993, we moved to Wichita Falls and lived there seven years. That is the time that we brought home our two sons (ask me sometime about the BIGGEST baby shower in history if you weren't a part of it!) This was a time of serving in leadership and worship, as Sunday School teachers and I led a Women's Bible Study and continued teaching piano. We learned more about servanthood and leadership, but also learned about receiving from others. When we left there, we left some very precious friends, some that taught me how to be a mother! We started attending just as the church was moving from a traditional format to more of a contemporary format. While we were there, the church grew from around 200 to around 900. How God blessed us in our time there.

And for the last eight years we have lived in Oak Point and have attended McKinney Fellowship. These have been the elementary school years for my boys and so I learned about volunteering:) I also began working a little more outside the home and finally gave in to joining a church staff for the first time in my life! We have learned about serving in leadership and worship and as Life Group leaders. Again, God has taught us more about what it means to minister to those around us. We have some precious friends here (some that we have reconnected with from twenty years ago!) The church celebrated its ten-year anniversary last year and we are running 1500+. How God has blessed us in our time here thus far...and I truly believe the best is yet to come. I truly sense that God is doing something incredible here. Most recently, we are learning to "receive" again!

And so it is true - there is a time for everything. God has us all on a journey. He has a purpose for our lives and He has a plan.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

The boys are home this week - it's Spring Break. John is going to stay home tomorrow. I'm hoping we can go see a movie or something "normal" in the next few days. I think we are going to see "Horton Hears a Who". I'm trying to think of the movie theater with the most comfortable seats and the shortest distance from the car to the seat:) It's so strange for it to be Easter week and not be totally emersed in preparation for Sunday's services!

I think I figured out yesterday why I've always enjoyed all the projects I've been involved in over the years. When you're working with "things" there is this great freedom to design and implement things (OK, control "things"). When you're working with "people", it is not quite that easy.

There are lots of things I wish I could get my children to do and say - but they have minds of their own:) Sometimes I wish that people would respond in certain ways - but they have minds of their own too:) I'm sure God feels the same way about me!

And so I pray that I will allow God's grace to flow through me freely and that He would teach me His unconditional love for others. I pray that He would change me in every way to become more like Him.

Lord, I am presenting myself wholly to You for this day. What would you have me do? What is Your agenda for me today? I am Your servant, for I am under grace.

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8

I trust God with my life! I know that He is in control. I know that His plans for me are good. I know that He loves me. I know He can heal me.

Do I believe He WILL heal me? I am struggling a little with that. Is my faith weak? Am I allowing Satan to have a foothold in my life and mind? How do you get past the reality of the CAN of God vs the WILL of God? I think that is certainly one of those questions we ALL ask as we face trials on this earth.

I wrestle with God at times but I always come back to the fact that His love for me is deeper than I could ever comprehend - that He is sovereign and that He numbered all of our days before we were even born. It's a huge Master plan and we are not privy to the information:)

Ultimately, our job is to seek Him fervently and live in His peace, strength and joy. We can't worry about the whys or the what ifs. We must live a life devoted to serving Him fully in each and every day that He gives us.

Please pray for John's dad today. His dad just found out that his prostate cancer has returned. John's parents are Godly people and we are so thankful for the heritage that both of our families have given us.

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Psalm 143:8

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:25-34

I think God is reminding me once again not to worry:) It is very easy to go down roads that are not productive. Why do we worry about things that may never happen? I wish that I could keep my focus on Him and off of me!

He loves me. He cares for me. He clothes me with His glory and with His splendor ... now THAT's what I call a makeover. And you know what's really funny? No matter what we do to appear like we have it all together, we are never as beautiful as we are when we are transparent before one another - and God knows us from the inside out and is not the least bit amused by any of our antics.

I pray that I would learn to trust Him fully and that I will rest in His love and His provision. There are certainly burdens of yesterday and uncertainties of tomorrow, but God is certainly in control.

Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise. Jeremiah 17:14

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:38-42

So I am all things Martha. Besides the fact that I cannot control what's going on ... I can't see the end either. This project cannot be planned and executed in a timely manner!

If you know me well at all, you know I can cram a boatload of "progress" into one day. If something can possibly be done, I will get it done. I will normally stay up until unreasonable times of the night making sure all projects are complete or at least reasonably in order. It drives John crazy:) The house has to be "reasonably" picked up and all of life must be "reasonably" in order before I can sleep. It's a sickness, isn't it???

So I've been sitting here almost five weeks and very little progress has been made. Guess what? The world is spinning, projects are still being completed without me and my house and family are still functioning even with laundry and dishes to be done - AMAZING!

What can I learn from this? Perhaps that I need to give a little more grace - to others and to myself. Perhaps that I need to quit spending so much time on "things that most people don't care about". That's what my friend Randy says about me:) Perhaps I need to be still a little more so I can hear what God is saying to me! He says AMAZING things when we take time to listen.

Time spent with Him and with those I love is certainly time well-spent.

Blessed is the man who listens to me, watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway. For whoever finds me finds life and receives favor from the LORD. Proverbs 8:34-35

The crowd joined in the attack against Paul and Silas, and the magistrates ordered them to be stripped and beaten. After they had been severely flogged, they were thrown into prison, and the jailer was commanded to guard them carefully. Upon receiving such orders, he put them in the inner cell and fastened their feet in the stocks. About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them. Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everybody's chains came loose. Acts 16:22-26

You know what I'm trying to figure out? That JOY thing. I am confident of God's love for me, am confident that He is my protector and healer. I have His peace. I understand sacrifice and obedience and His provision for me. That alone should make me rejoice, right?

I read about Paul and Silas singing in the jail cell and having such JOY that they convinced others around them to believe. I know about being content in any circumstance ... but does mine count? :)

Certainly Paul and Silas couldn't be having a celebration that they were stripped, severely beaten and placed in a stock in a dark prison cell. In Habakkuk 3:17-18, certainly Habakkuk wasn't having a party because "the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls" but he then says "yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior."

Even if everything we hold dear is stripped away from us and our soul is severely beaten and we feel as if we are in a dark prison cell, we can still rejoice in our relationship with Him - at His gift of salvation - at the gift of His Holy Spirit - at the gift of His peace, provision and His love. THAT is where our joy comes from - Him. Our focus must be on His provision for us and not upon our circumstances. I will rejoice IN HIM and be joyful IN HIM ... and I'll keep working on being content in the circumstances:)

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:4-9

Okay - so yesterday wasn't such a good day. I had quite a bit of pain and decided to take one of those wonderful pain pills. The pain went away, but I got extremely sick ... so no more pain pills. The doctor prescribed a new pain med last night, so we'll try that one when I can't stands it no more:) It's amazing how much pain you have when you actually start getting your muscles and nerves back in working order. As long as I'm still, it's not too bad - but I can't sit here forever!!

I did finally talk to the doctor's office yesterday. Looks like I'll have a couple of appointments the last week of March, but they've rescheduled the next body scan for the middle of April. Looks like I'll be eligible for physical therapy after six weeks, which will be the last week in March. So now I've just got to get my strength back and get over myself! I've put my orthopedic oncologist in touch with the radiologist in Boston, so we'll see what develops there. It's amazing how proactive you have to be in your care at times - yes, I'm one of "those" patients.

So, I've had these ups and downs this week. I think we're just now beginning the "perseverance" journey. I just want to be "normal" so badly. I just want to take my kids to school and go to work and pick them up and go to their school activities ... I want to sleep without being awakened by pain and walk! Am I asking too much?? :)

Lord - what do you want to teach me? What do I need to learn? How are you going to get me out of this? What purpose do you have for me when and if you save me from this debacle? It's about humility, it's about empathy and compassion, it's about surrender and obedience, but ALL about God. It's about His love for us, His provision for us, His refinement of us, His desire for us to become all that He wants us to be.

And how blessed all those in whom you live, whose lives become roads you travel; they wind through lonesome valleys, come upon brooks, discover cool springs and pools brimming with rain! God-traveled, these roads curve up the mountain, and at the last turn—Zion! God in full view! Psalm 84:6 (The Message)

"Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him." John 14:21

OK - can I be totally honest here? Raw me:) I've always had this little thought in the back of my mind that thinks "God must really love me - He put me in a great family; He's always met my needs; He's given me talents, skills, abilities; He's given me a small degree of fame and fortune in my life - I obey Him almost all of the time ... He must really love me ... yep, I'm pretty special, aren't I?"

Do you know what that is? It's PRIDE and it's sin. God does love me but that doesn't make me better than anyone else. It doesn't mean my life will always be as pleasant as it has been to date. Perhaps it means His love will be made perfect in me only as I face major trials that strip me of any resemblance of pride:)

It's a familiar problem - look at Adam and Eve, look at Cain, look at King Saul and the Pharisees and even the disciples. Satan can turn even blessings into stumbling blocks! Oh that I would have the humility and grace of God. He was GOD for crying out loud and He submitted Himself to death on a cross.

And so I will once again yield my will. I will lay all those accolades and praises of man at His feet. I will surrender my dreams and ambition to His glory. I am listening to His quiet voice that only speaks when my own voice is silent.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. Philippians 2:5-7

It's been exactly one month today since surgery. I was sure hoping I'd be up and around by now, but am still having some pain when I move around too much. The great thing about having "no agenda" is that I am able to pay much more attention to what God is saying through His Word and through each of you. I am learning so much.

I read this today: A lot of time people think that when they have a need, that if God wanted to, He could just automatically meet it. But Jesus didn’t say, according to your need be it unto you; He said, according to your faith. That’s why it’s so important to have an attitude of expectancy every single day. If we want God to move in our lives, we have to approach every day filled with faith and hope. The scripture tells us in Romans that “faith comes by hearing the Word of God.” The more you have the Word of God in your life, the more your faith will grow and the more you will see Him working in your life.

I want to have faith. I want to believe God's Word. I am asking Him today to give me faith.

That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side." Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"
He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" Mark 4:35-40

I hope YOU have had a good day. I have. I don't know how many of you have met the wonderful Dr. Mc that I have worked for for the last 20 years - but if you meet him, you will not soon forget him. He will be 79 years old this year and is the most brilliant surgeon I have ever met. He is a walking library of surgical information, as well as information on every war ever fought in any country, well - he's just a walking library of all things as far as I'm concerned.

Anyway, he retired in August from UT Southwestern and he has been so persistent in researching information for me during this process and has been such an encouragement to me. Well today he called and he has found some information on a new treatment for chondrosarcoma that involves Proton Beam Therapy and even put me directly in touch with a doctor in Boston that is one of the pioneers. This therapy would focus the radiation in the area where the tumor was (it is extremely precise) and substantially decrease any risks of injury and side effects due to total body irradiation.

So, I am encouraged by this. I have been praying that God would give John and I great discernment and wisdom throughout this process. Just last night with our Life Group, we prayed for God to give us wisdom. Please pray that I am a candidate and that our insurance will cover such treatment and that ultimately God will be glorified:)

If you lack wisdom today in ANY situation, I pray that you will call upon God, who is absolutely the ultimate walking library:) He knows the past, the present and the future. He knows the answers before we even ask the questions. Sometimes He answers, sometimes He may not (at least in our timing) - but nevertheless, He is always in control. You can trust Him with your life.

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. James 1:5

For I KNOW the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

So, I made it church this morning again - got there late again - but didn't cry the whole time I was there! I must be getting stronger:) Tonight our Life Group met at our house and we had a sweet time of sharing and ministering to one another. We are so blessed with many friends that are helping carry our big load!

This afternoon God and I had this little talk. We went back through the "why" list; we went back through the "when" list; we went back through the "how" list. His answer was the same every single time. It was "Trust Me".

Then my will crumbled before Him again and I said "Lord, I will go through this ... but ONLY if it brings You glory. There is simply no other reason to go through this pain and heartache except for that it will bring You glory."

And so here I am, at His feet once again, refocused on His glory and submitting to Him. I will face tomorrow with joy in my heart and praise on my lips because when I am weak, He is strong. He is the Eternal Father, the Beginning and the End, the Alpha and Omega, the great I AM. He meets ALL of my needs and He alone is my Healer.

Below is an e-card Granny forwarded to me today. I hope it ministers to you like it did to me:
http://www.e-water.net/viewflash.php?flash=irishblessing_en

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:33-34

Today has been a great day. My brother, Lance and his wife, Kim, came for a visit. We talked more than we've talked in a long time and we laughed (painfully in my case, but it was well worth it!) I am having quite a bit of joint pain when I move (or laugh or cough or sneeze:), but am trying to be tough! Most of the surgical pain is gone now. If you will remember, I have no cartilage around the joint, so my bones are talking to me:)

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself - Franklin D. Roosevelt

I am so thankful that God is my refuge and strength. I am so glad that I can trust Him and fully rely upon Him to deliver me in EVERY circumstance. Fear has no place in my heart. When I feel afraid, I will trust in Him. I was hoping to be back at work at least one or two days a week by now, but I am not yet able to. I've blown right past most of my "goals" - God has me on a different track. Someone said that I'm in "time out":) So I will wait on Him.

Mom and Dad are going home on Monday. So, I am a bit anxious about that but know God has everything under control. Mom has been a trooper and has really managed the household well over the last six weeks (better than me for sure!) I kept noticing that Ryan was wearing the same shirt just about every day so I finally asked him if he was wearing a dirty shirt. He told me that granny was washing it everyday... good grief! Friends will be transporting the boys to school. The good news is that as long as it takes me to get showered and dressed in the morning, the day's nearly half spent!

Do not be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God - Corrie Ten Boom

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9

His ways and thoughts are so much higher than mine and His plan is so much bigger than I can imagine. That's a good thing! I am finding myself struggling at times to look at the bigger picture - to not be overwhelmed with my current circumstances.

I know He is in control and is totally able to take care of everything that concerns me. At the same time, I feel like a pawn on a chess board - being moved at will by others. What is important is that I submit to being God's pawn and that I find rest and strength in Him!

Today I am choosing to think God’s thoughts by meditating on His Word. The scripture tells me to “set my mind on things above.” Those “things above” are God’s thoughts and ways which are higher than my own. I will bless the Lord.

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. Colossians 3:1-3

These things I have spoken to you, that in Me, you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer. I have overcome the world. John 16:33

His peace is a good thing. I have had another good day - two days in a row! I do take a Tylenol PM at night to sleep and rest comfortably but that is the only "med" I am taking right now.

It snowed today and the boys got out of school at 1:00 pm. It was fun to watch them play in the front yard snow through the window and throw snowballs - just wish I could be out there with them because the snow forts and the snowmen need my creative touch!

Which brings me to what's on my mind for all you wives and moms today: take time to play with your kids and enjoy being with them - enjoy the little things like those crazy carpools and those sport games they play that you'd never watch except that they are your kids and volunteering at those chaotic school events:) Enjoy your husbands - take every opportunity to show that you love them and respect them. John and I have been married for almost 23 years and I can see so many things now that I have taken for granted for a long time.

I guess there's nothing that makes you appreciate life more than not being able to live it. So love and be loved today. Thank God for what you have - though your life may not be perfect, it is good and perfect in His time.

So I've been waiting on the doctor to call for two days and he did call this afternoon, but really didn't say much except that I will have appointments with a medical oncologist and a radiation oncologist at Baylor in Dallas sometime soon (THAT doesn't sound extremely promising:)

It seems like I feel physically "good" about every other day so far. My strength is ridiculously diminished! Today I did make it down and back up the stairs twice so this is a new record:) I'm going to try to keep building on that. I'm still able to do quite a bit of work on the computer so I am thankful for that.

Some of you have asked about any predisposition to the cancer. There is not much:) My dad's parents both had geriatric cancer around age 70+ (liver and prostate). No one else on either side of the family has had any cancer issues. I eat well and am in pretty good physical shape. I work a lot (but a lot of people do!) and am a busy wife and mother.

As far as how this started, I did go through a period around the holidays where I felt extremely tired (but doesn't everybody around the holidays?) On New Year's Day while at the farm, I felt a "pop" in my hip area and from there it become increasingly difficult to walk. I also noticed just before diagnosis that I was getting out of breath just going up a couple of flights of stairs which was not "normal" for me (but just thought I needed to get more exercise!)

So, that's it! I am reminded again that my body is not my own - that I live to serve Christ - that I am not in control - and that I will daily surrender my life to Him. What He does with it will ultimately be good. In the midst of "hell on earth" I will have His limitless peace and joy in my heart and as long as I have breath and strength to do so, I will honor Him with my life.

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. I Corinthians 6:19-20

One of the best ways to get back on your feet is to first get on your knees. Unknown

Yesterday was a tough day. Since I was moving around a little more on Friday and Saturday, the pain was pretty intense yesterday. I think all of the muscles, bones and nerves have realized the trauma of surgery has passed and that they need to wake up now. So I regressed back to the pain pill (just one though!) It's been three weeks today since surgery.

Yesterday was also difficult because I went to church for the first time (granted I was late coming in and left early and cried most of the time I was there, but I made it!) It was awesome to worship - but it was sad not to be in the middle of it all. I absolutely love serving God and serving with many people that I love dearly.

This morning I feel much better. Thank you to those of you that are continuing to lift me up in prayer. Yesterday's pity party and frustration with my healing process and periodic why? cries to heaven are overcome for the moment and I start a new day.

I believe God allows us to get to the end of our ability so that we will call upon Him. I thank God that I am realizing the limits of my own ability—and am totally relying upon the limitlessness of His ability.

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12-13

It's a good day, isn't it??? I just took my first "real" shower in almost three weeks, the sun is shining...and I've got a 25% chance that my cancer won't return! (but we aren't putting much stock in those percentages, are we?)

It's a good day. God says He works all things for GOOD for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose - GUESS WHAT?? I'm covered. This is all good. I don't know if He'll heal me to prove the "good" - I don't know if He'll change someone else's life to prove the "good" - I don't know if He'll change my life to prove the "good" - I don't know what He'll do to prove the "good" - but I know He will and I can rest in that.

My prayer is that if you don't love Him and are not living according to His purpose that this will be your day - this will be your hour. It will be the most important decision you will ever make and I promise you will not regret it:) This is relationship with a God that will never disappoint and will always love no matter what. This is an eternal source of peace and joy that can't be found anywhere else. This is security in a world full of chaos and insecurity. This is freedom in a life of emotional and physical bondage. No matter how "strong" you are, you are not strong enough to handle what life on this earth is inevitably going to give you. GIVE IT UP ... and get it all.

I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know Him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints, and His incomparably great power for us who believe. Ephesians 1:16-19