Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Psalm 62:5-8

Rest. Rest. Rest. I keep thinking how can I be sleeping so much and doing so little and still be so tired?? They say it's called radiation, but you know me - I think I can overcome anything:)

How great it is to serve a God who defends me, who is my mighty rock and my refuge. Amidst all that I see (and hear) in the seen, my hope lies in the unseen. My hope lies in my trust that God is in control and that He has a plan...that He will be glorified through my circumstances. Nothing is too difficult for Him.

Please pray for my Ryan this week as he has semester finals on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. He is a smart kid, but struggles a bit with getting work turned in and with ADHD in general. We will find out Monday if he will be in summer school or not (it's looking like he will be without a miraculous intervention:) - but God specializes in those! We'd really like for Ryan to be able to go to Colorado with Gigi and Papa for a few weeks this summer and work but perhaps God has other plans!! Being in the 6th grade (middle school) and 12 years old has really taken the "responsibility" factor to a whole new level and we're struggling a bit with the challenge.

I should find out this week what my next treatment plan will be and that will define our summer quite a bit too. I'm sure God has everything worked out and I will look forward to reporting to you how miraculously God schedules our summer! He's the master scheduler and we trust that whatever happens will be in His master plan.

Isn't it great to serve a God who is in control of each and every moment of our lives and each and every breath of our lives? We can rest in the palm of His hand - in His shelter. I was talking to a neighbor a few weeks ago about what the future could hold and she said - but you're alive today so make the most of it! Wise words from a wise woman...and it applies to every one of us no matter what our situation may be.

For we have this moment
To hold in our hands
And to touch as it slips
Through our fingers like sand
Yesterday's gone
And tomorrow may never come
But we have this moment today (for all of you Gaither fans:)

"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh," he whispered."Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw."I just wanted to be sure of you.""

I thought of all of you today when I read this. Yes, I want to be sure of you. Yes, I need to know you are walking with me in this journey. A couple of days this week, I just wanted to stay home and not go to treatment. I'm so tired of driving one hour one way each day (and every day). I am tired of being tired and having no appetite to speak of BUT knowing there are people surrounding me who are rooting me on makes it worth the effort. I'm meeting many friends at radiation each day that are struggling just as I am. I pray that I am as encouraging to them as you are to me.

My granny is out of the hospital and seems to be doing well at home. I get so tickled with her because she is such a tech granny - if you have one, you know what I'm talking about. She forwards emails and texts messages on her phone (she is more adept than I am!) She just has to sneak around Papa Jake because he is jealous of her computer and phone:)

Mom has gone home for a few days so my boys are getting an opportunity to take care of me. I am in good hands. The boys have four more days of school next week and then they will be home with me for the summer. I'm looking forward to it.

TWO MORE WEEKS OF RADIATION! I hope he doesn't throw me a loop and add another round:) I keep thinking I can do anything for two weeks, right??? God is faithful. His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness to me. I'm looking so forward to getting back to some form of normalcy - going into the office some and doing things wives and moms do.

If you hear nothing else I say, hear this ... don't look at me and think "it's great that she's so strong" or "I think it's great that she has faith" or "I hope she'll pray for me if I ever get sick". In and of myself, I am not strong and my faith and prayers are weak, but God is enabling me. If you do not know Christ, I pray that you will ask Him into your heart. He can be your strength and your faith and your prayers will be heard if you seek Him with all of your heart. You will inevitably go through things in your life where you will need Him. Start the relationship now:)

I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name. Isaiah 45:2-3

I read this today and thought - "Oh Lord, may it be so! Please go before me - level the mountains that I see - break down the gates and cut through the bars. Show me the treasures of this darkness around me. Show me YOU!"

I am SO tired of going to the hospital everyday for radiation. I am SO tired of having restless sleep. I am SO tired of not being able to walk without crutches. I am SO tired of being in pain:)

Yet I know that God has equipped me. I know I must look beyond my circumstances and to the provision and promises of God. Yes, even THIS is part of what He's called me to do. He has prepared the path before me.

I must put on an attitude of praise and thanksgiving. I must thank Him for making my crooked places straight! I must move forward in joy and gladness into the blessed future He has prepared for me.

This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. O LORD, save us; O LORD, grant us success. Psalm 118:24-25

My granny fell on Saturday and broke her right hip - she says we are twins now. She did have surgery this morning in Stephenville and is doing well. Mom left this morning around 4:30 am to drive to be with granny and will come back later tonight. What a trooper! I had a day off from radiation today, so God worked everything out.

I went to church yesterday and then was able to go back to the church for a graduation party last night. I am trying to push myself a little more. I am trying to get back into the office a few more hours each week. Hopefully I will be able to. Many have told me that the last three weeks of radiation will be much more difficult than the first three, but I am holding out hope that they won't be:) The boys are out of school today so it is great to have them and John here. The boys have eight more days of school.

I am still rejoicing at the scan news from last week. I wish I could say this detour is over, but I know it is not. There will be a long journey of treatments, scans and appointments ahead and days of hope and days of despair. I am so thankful that I serve a gracious and compassionate God who understands me and loves me and is so patient with me. He has a plan.

It is the journey rather than the destination that matters most in life; for it is the lessons learned, the trials endured and the truths discovered that mold our character and prepare us for that destination. David Jeremiah

Okay - I know I'm far from out of the woods - but am still rejoicing greatly for good news! I keep thinking about the last minute treatment changes and that dreadful recommendation I got from Boston a few weeks ago...don't think for a minute that God is not in control!

I'm copying you on a portion from David Jeremiah's daily emails this week:

A little girl walking in a garden saw a particularly beautiful flower and promptly picked it because she felt it was too pretty to be in the dirt. She then took the flower home and rinsed the dirt off with water. Shortly thereafter, the flower wilted and died. When the owner of that garden saw what the little girl had done, he exclaimed, "You have destroyed my finest plant!" "I'm sorry, but I didn't like it in all that dirt," said the girl. The gardener responded by saying, "I chose that spot and mixed the soil because I knew that only there could it grow to be a beautiful flower."

Sometimes we become like that little girl, fixated on the dirt of our life instead of seeing the beauty and growth that will emerge in time. But once we have experienced seeing the hand of God in our life, we have assurance that we can trust Him in His sovereignty. So, if it feels like nothing good will ever come out of what you are going through, be patient and steadfast, knowing that God "plans to give you a hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11).

I have lived a long time; and the longer I live, the more convincing proofs I see of this truth—that God governs in the affairs of men. Benjamin Franklin

Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell the storm how big your God is!

FINALLY - GOOD NEWS! I've been waiting three months for something encouraging:) The body scan yesterday came back with no signs that the cancer has spread. The doctor was "pleasantly surprised" in his words. I will finish up the next three weeks of radiation to the hip and then we will discuss the preventative chemo.

I kept wanting to say "are you sure??" but instead am rejoicing in my spirit of God's faithfulness and provision. Your prayers are appreciated so much as I continue to learn to live with the hip pain. God can do anything He wants, anytime He wants.

Did I tell you my God is awesome? Did I tell you He reigns? Did I tell you He is the everlasting Father - faithful to the end? I have an awesome video for you to watch. It is a favorite at our church:

http://www.sermonspice.com/videos/114/thats-my-king-

Wow - 97 posts! Never dreamed I'd be writing this many posts. This is a journey no doubt. I did have my scan today but won't have the results for a few days. Somehow in the midst of all the pain and uncertainty, I have an incredible peace from God and know that He is in control.

Cody was sitting by me last night playing an online game on my computer. He was getting increasingly upset because he was having difficulty beating a game. He said "I hate it when it says GAME OVER."

That started me thinking (doesn't everything these days!) When the game is over for each of us, what will we feel? Will we be upset? Will we be relieved? Will we have regrets? I think all of us will have varied emotions. When you're down for a while and have plenty of time, you may have a full range of emotions with these questions and more - I know I have.

Cody was able to keep playing over and over and over again to win the game but we don't always have the chance to play again. I have had time to search my soul and my memories to repair bridges, to show appreciation and say I love you, to truly surrender myself to God. I am at peace. If I don't make it I'm good with that - if I do make it there will be many more opportunities to do those things and I will.

Not everyone has these opportunities - life may be taken suddenly or unexpectedly. Don't take any chances ... repair those bridges, show appreciation and say I love you, truly surrender yourself to God. It's a good place to be and a good way to live life - at peace in all things.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:7-8

#10 - You will waste your cancer if you fail to use it as a means of witness to the truth and glory of Christ.

This is my opportunity (as if I've never had another) to share with others. God has provided opportunities that I could never have orchestrated to share Him with those I am coming in contact with.

There is another side to this story: I need you to keep Christ before me as well. I need for you to testify of God's faithfulness. God has strategically placed me in the midst of loving family and friends who are supporting me in my time of need.

I felt a real burden today for the many folks that come through the doors of churches across our country every Sunday (or if only a few Sundays a year) that call themselves "Christians" but who do not truly have a relationship with Jesus Christ. We'll call them casual Christians. My prayer is that God will get ahold of their hearts and draw them to Himself. I pray that instead of sitting on the sidelines, they will embark in service to Christ and will testify to others of His grace and goodness.

The stakes are too high! Jump in or jump out. There are lots and lots of people out there who are literally dying to be rescued by the peace and joy that only God can give. There are hurting people everywhere. You certainly don't have to look very long to see that. There are open doors at just about every turn. I pray that God would stir our hearts and give us boldness in Him.

I pray that I will be joustled out of my Christian cacoon and recognize the work of God around me and that I will jump in - eyes wide open to the opportunities God puts before me.

#9 - You will waste your cancer if you treat sin as casually as before.


There are lots of things that I have lost appetite for through this process. Pride, unforgiveness, impatience have all moved off of my table for the most part. Priorities have definitely shifted. The frivilous doesn't really matter anymore:) I've never been much of a fan of the frivilous, but God is drawing me deeper still.

I don't feel an urgency like I thought I might - I don't feel like speeding up life and packing in lots of things: I feel like taking in every moment. It's a great time just to "be". I'm praying that God will purify me, cleanse me of vanities and ultimately make me need Him and love Him more deeply that I ever have before.

We take sin way too lightly. We don't realize the effect it has on us or on those around us. Moral cancer affects our quality of life more than any physical cancer ever could. May we seek to please Him and serve Him in every moment that He gives us.

What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self? Luke 9:25

I am listening to many reports out of China explaining the great devastation that has occurred. We have several friends on the ground there who are sending us daily reports. The pain and suffering is great. Yet, there is an undercurrent of spiritual revival that I believe is taking place: an openness of the government and the people to accept assistance from Christians and attentive ears to the message they are bringing.

Bad things are not of God - they are of this world. Yes, He allows them and is certainly able to stop them at any degree but ultimately we live in a fallen world that is susteptible to the evils that the fallen state produces. Iniquity surrounds us - oh that we would shine brighter and be a beacon of hope to a fallen world.

Newsflash: there's no sickness, no natural disasters and no sin in heaven! The glory of God is so powerful that not even a mention of those things exists. What a glorious day THAT will be!

If we blend in with the world, are we fulfilling our purpose of being here?? If we don't have the answer, then what is the answer? We're sitting on a goldmine, people. We have a purpose - we have the answer. Life is just simply not worth living if we are living for the temporary and not the eternal.

My friend Brady often says "this too shall pass" ... yes, all of the things of this world, all of the sickness, natural disasters, sin, things that we consider good and bad on this earth will pass but our eternal investments will be secure. God is not impresed with how high we climbed on the corporate ladder or even how much money we make or give as much as He is interested in how brightly we shine for His sake. May He be seen in us and through us as we live in this fallen world. I'm ending with a prayer request from the warriors on the ground in China:

Pray that God would turn mourning into dancing, and turn this crisis into a harvest.
“Father, May your Kingdom come; may your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven! Amen.”

#8 - You will waste your cancer if you grieve as those who have no hope.

I have a bone scan coming up this week. I am struggling a bit with my thoughts. On one hand, I want to expect the worst so that I can be pleasantly surprised. On the other hand, I want to expect the best - yet I really don't want to be disappointed:) Oh that my thoughts could rest upon Christ alone and not be distracted by the "what ifs".

Ultimately, my hope is in Christ alone. I know that I am secure in His hands. I know that He has every day of my life planned. I know that He is in control. God gives a peace that surpasses all understanding. My joy comes from Him. God is blessing me with a keen sense of His presence.

I have hope that God will remove all of the cells and heal me completely. If He does, I will surely give Him praise. If He does not, I will praise Him the same. He promises to turn our grief into joy and make our joy full.

My biggest struggle is thinking about my boys and my sweet husband and the things I will miss if I am not here. My biggest victory is knowing I will see Jesus' face. Dying is not a bad thing for the believer - it's just can be a struggle for those left behind:) I don't want to do that to my family, but I've got to trust that God has everything under control!

This morning at church, Bruce mentioned my cancer as "rare and aggressive" - so rare that they don't know how to treat it - but God does and He is the Master Physician and Healer. My hope is in Him alone. I've had three opinions (none of them the same - from "leave it alone" to "amputation"). That's a pretty big spread - but I am trusting that God will direct every step that we take (literally!)

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus' Name

When darkness veils His lovely face I rest on His unchanging grace
In ev'ry high and stormy gale my anchor holds within the veil

When He shall come with trumpet sound O may I then in Him be found
Dressed in His righteousness alone faultless to stand before the throne

On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand
ALL other ground is sinking sand - The Solid Rock

#7 - You will waste your cancer if you let if drive you into solitude instead of deepen your relationships with manifest affection.

It is easy to retreat into myself these days. Sometimes I feel like I could stay in bed all day, take a nap all day - anything to not have to face reality. That is not what God wants for me. Everytime I get out - everytime I go to a treatment and interact with people, I realize He is calling me out of myself and to others. He is giving me opportunities to listen to folks and opportunities to have extremely meaningful conversations with otherwise strangers.

Usually when people ask what happened, I just say "I had hip surgery" - but sometimes I get brave and tell them I had surgery for cancer in my hip. That always opens the conversation up - usually at a very deep level. What an opportunity to minister to others and to be loved. I am amazed at how many opportunities God gives me to minister to other people. He is faithful.

I realize that the hesitance to open up to people is based upon my feeling of weakness and imperfection, my loss of health and energy. God wants me to live openly, transparent with my weakness and reliant upon His mercy and power. That is what I'm trying to do through this blog and I am believing that when I am weak, He is strong.

I've finished two weeks of radiation. I finally broke down today and went and got a handicap parking permit (after three months of resisting such!) I'm still not driving, but I think I'm getting closer. Dr M released me to go back to physical therapy today - just stretching and range of motion (no pressure on the hip joint) - but it's something (and I miss my physical therapist:) God has given me an incredible medical team of doctors, nurses, therapists and radiation techs that I am developing great relationships with.

Thanks to my friend Ted who sent this scripture today:
The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, and He delivers them. Psalm 34:7

#6 - You will waste your cancer if you spend too much time reading about cancer and not enough time reading about God.

I spent a lot of time researching my cancer for the first couple of months. I didn't find a lot of answers and the doctors have not really given any answers either - so I'm forced to turn to God (and that's the best place to be anyway!)

Piper states that cancer is meant to waken us to the reality of God. I'm awake, I'm awake!! So I'm trying to refocus. For every moment I think about my cancer, I'm trying to think many more moments about God and His faithfulness. I truly am blessed in every way. My hope is secure in Him.

I stopped by the office for about an hour today. It was great to see everyone. I am still extremely tired and sore all over from the radiation, but am believing that it is part of God's healing. God is good.

Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers. Psalm 1:1-3

#5 - You will waste your cancer if you think that "beating" cancer means staying alive rather than cherishing Christ.

Satan's goal is that our hardships will drive us away from Christ - our goal is to keep our eyes on the prize and draw nearer to Christ. God wants us to rely totally upon Him - to feast on His sufficiency and to rest in His provision. Cancer won't win if I die - cancer will win if it keeps me from cherishing Christ.

Sure, God and I have our discussions:) This morning was a rough one and as I laid in bed talking myself into getting up, I cried out to God again and asked Him why? I keep thinking I'm getting beyond this, but fall back into it again. I'm sure glad God is patient.

The other day Cody wanted to go do something and I told him we'd have to wait until Mommy was feeling better. Cody said "Why do you have to have cancer now??" I gave him a big hug and told him I didn't know and then later humored myself by thinking "Would there be a better time for you, son??" :)

There's not a better time because this is the time that God has allowed this in our lives. It's hard to comprehend - but God has a plan. He doesn't waste pain. God is working in ways we do not see.

I keep thinking God must be healing me because I can't imagine going through this pain if He's taking me home! Just take me already:) Yet, I know God has a plan. He doesn't waste pain. God is working in ways we do not see.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.-Chinese Proverb

This describes my day today! Everytime I think I have a plan, God changes it. He really is teaching me to rely on Him one day at a time.

I had planned to do a scan, lab work, see the doc, do radiation and then have my first chemo treatment. Not God's plan, I guess! I actually called yesterday to cancel the scan because there just weren't enough hours in this day. I did get the lab work done then met with the doc. He told me he has decided to wait on the chemo until after radiation is completed. He said after more research, he found that the chemo would not increase the effectiveness of the radiation and that concurrent chemo/radiation would be too difficult for me. Sooooo, I went to radiation and then came home. He is scheduling a full body scan in the next week or so. I am also considering delaying my port procedure until we get closer to chemo.

If you will remember, I had a similar experience when I thought I was going in for a major surgery and the surgeon came in just before they wheeled me in and told me he had decided to do a less invasive surgery ... just call me Gumby!

Please continue to pray with me that God will direct every step and that His will would be done every day (I believe it will be!) Also, please pray for my pain. I have had a lot of pain today and so we are adjusting the pain meds again.

God has a plan ...

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Today I went to chemo class and had radiation and had an appointment with the radiation doctor. I feel like I'm beginning to feel like an in-patient and not an outpatient! All went well. It is sometimes difficult to take "one day at a time" as I want so badly to see the light at the end of the tunnel (but there is not one yet!) Below is an excerpt from David Jeremiah's daily email:

Jay Kesler told of a father who had been raised as an orphan. When he had children of his own, he didn't know how to handle them. He would alternately ignore them and discipline them in anger. Once after a particularly embarrassing loss of temper, the father put his head in his hands and with desperation in his voice said, "Son, you don't understand. I've never had a father. I have never seen how fathers do it. I feel totally helpless. I don't know how to be a parent. I want to be a good parent, but I don't know how. Help me!" The boy took his father in his arms and the two of them wept together. From that point on, father and son were close.

None of us is perfect; and sometimes our best approach is to be honest, transparent, and down-to-earth. Our children and our friends need to see our humanness; and transparency will keep us honest with ourselves, our God, and our friends.

This is ME! I've never done this cancer thing before. I've never been a patient to speak of. I want so badly to be a good cancer patient, but I just don't know how. Lord, help me! Help me to be patient, help me to have a good attitude, help me to keep my focus on You.

Yesterday in church we had a sweet time of worship at the end of the service. One of the songs we sang was Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus. I couldn't utter the words, but as I heard them, they spoke to me:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

Got 8:44 minutes? Got laminin? I am a huge fan of Louie Giglio and had actually seen this clip, but never heard it like I did today. I hope it ministers to you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_e4zgJXPpI4

It feels good to actually be at home today and not have to go into Dallas! A couple of days off from the routine is a good thing. Next week will be busy - I have a scan, some lab work, a chemo class to attend and get to start chemo (did I say "get"??) I am a little anxious about this. I'll most likely lose my hair, so have been shopping online for wigs. I told Ryan this morning I could just go without and look like Britney, but he wasn't impressed. I was actually glad to hear he isn't impressed with her:)

Cody jokingly mentioned a rainbow wig, but I'm not so sure about that one. Cody's teacher has been in treatment for breast cancer this year, so he is all too familiar with the hair/wig routine. My very brave friend Julie in Wichita Falls had a party to shave her head just before her chemo started, but that is one of the many reasons I call her brave!

I so wish I felt better than I do. I hate to be whiny, but I am extremely tired and never hungry. I'd like to go into work for a few hours each week and actually enjoy food and friendship again:) For some reason, I feel like it may be awhile before I'll be able to do that again. Please keep inviting and keep asking - maybe I'll feel like it one of these days!

Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds. Psalm 73:23-28

#4 - You will waste your cancer if you refuse to think about death.

Do we have to??? Really this is an easy one for me. Death and eternity are issues that all of us will have to eventually deal with. Hopefully you are as secure in this as I am. There are days when death sounds easy compared to the current trial - but I know God is in control and He numbers our days before we are born. There is a great peace in that for me. My Grandpa Spross once told me that he wasn't afraid of death and looked forward to eternity - he was more afraid of what lied between here and there. You will die - it's a right of passage that we all face. Get your moving bags in order for you know not when that time will be:)

Okay, so for my God moments today: this morning I was getting into the shower and getting ready to head to radiation when I heard a voice in my head say "You are going to give up before God heals you". Recognizing it as an attack of the enemy, I spoke against it, but somewhere inside wondered if it might be true (I hate even admitting that to you!)

So, I finished radiation a little after noon and my next appointment was not until 3:30 for an electrocardiogram. Mom and Dad were both with me because Dad got here yesterday and will stay for a few days before he heads to Colorado. We decided (sort of on a whim) to go have lunch at the Dallas Arboretum. It is close to the hospital. We had a great lunch outside. There was a harpist playing and we had a view of the Dallas skyline across White Rock Lake.

We took a tram ride around the gardens and then Mom and I sat on a bench for awhile while Dad walked around. On our way out to head back to the hospital, we decided to stop by the gift shop. I was standing there, looking my normal pathetic self, when a lady (we'll call her "Angel" because I don't remember her name) stopped and looked at me and pleasantly said "What did you do?" I responded with my usual response to strangers and said "I had hip surgery". She said "I speak Jesus' healing on you" and turned to walk away. I said "Come back here!" She did and I told her I had cancer. She proceeded to lay hands on me and began to pray (I'm crying again as I type this!) She then told me she was from California and was in town for a ministry conference.

You see, when I woke up this morning, I had no idea I'd be at the Arboretum today. I also had no idea that I'd fall under spiritual attack while entering the shower this morning. I sure didn't know that a kind woman would be in town for a conference and would take time to acknowledge me and pray with me in a public gift shop ... but God did and He orchestrated my day as only He can.

Never take your day for granted. If God prompts you to be kind and speak to someone - do it - and most of all, if He prompts you to stop and pray for someone - do it. Don't believe for a second that He doesn't know what you are feeling or what encouragement you may need - and don't be surprised if He does it in a miraculous way.

I am in awe of God and I am praising Him today that He cares for me and that He loves me so much. He loves you too. Don't miss out on the blessing you may hold in your hand or the blessing that someone may share with you.

I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and makes war. His eyes are like blazing fire, and on his head are many crowns. He has a name written on him that no one knows but he himself. He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God. Revelation 19:11-13

#3 - You will waste your cancer if you seek comfort from your odds rather than from God.

Is the adverse true?? What is there is no comfort in your odds?? :) I believe the concept is the same - rather your odds are good or not good, you need to look to God and not the statistics. Ultimately, He is the healer. No tried and true treatment holds any power over God. God may very well be knocking all of the props from under our hearts so that we rely totally on Him. Guess what: we are 100% going to face trials and God is 100% certain to be with us through those trials. There's nothing uncertain about that and there is absolute comfort in that!

Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. II Corinthians 1:9

I've finished my first three days of radiation - only 27 more:) I met with a new medical oncologist yesterday and he will start a chemo regimen next week that will help the radiation be more effective and then will do a more aggressive chemo treatment at the conclusion of the radiation (at least that was the plan yesterday!) I'm learning not to rely too much on today's information for tomorrow's treatment. The truth is that there is no protocol, no standard plan of action - so they're throwing the kitchen sink at me and seeing what will stick.

My friend Jay who is a missionary in "Asia" sent a great Bible study to me this morning on II Corinthians 12:7-10. It really confirmed some of the things I am feeling. I do believe God has "given" this thorn to me (or at least allowed it). It may feel like this thorn is "IN the way but in reality it IS the way". I have a choice to respond in the flesh or respond in the spirit. Flesh cries out in desperation, wanting relief (sound familiar?) and the Spirit responds with faith and willing submission. I must be broken and forced to let go of those things inside of me that I hold more tightly than Him. This is a painful battle since I honestly do not know what those things are.

I grieve and hate my failures and my weaknesses but I do rejoice in His grace and in the strength and joy that only He can provide.

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. II Corinthians 12:7-10

The first time I was ever in a Bible Study with John (before we were even dating!), he quoted Psalm 46:10: Be still and know that I am God. Today as I was reading in the Psalms, I ran across it again and felt like God was reminding me of that day almost 24 years ago and that His word is still valid today:)

I went to my final marking this morning for radiation (yep five more tattoos!) I asked her if the lovely dots were permanent and she said "yes!" Oh joy:) After the marking, she said my treatments were starting today and that they would run for six weeks (Monday-Friday). Thank goodness we have a TollTag. I contacted Dr. Mollabashy and we are going to meet tomorrow to go over the plan (I hope the first treatment today was part of the plan!) Tomorrow will be a FULL day. I will meet at 10:15 with Dr Mollabashy, have radiation at 11:50 and meet with the chemo doc at 1:00 pm!

John had a great time at the Men's Retreat. When he got home, I was a blubbering mess as I shared the Boston recommendation with him. As he always does, John held me until I was over myself, then prayed over me. He is a pillar. I am so blessed to be married to such a Godly man.

As I was trying to fall asleep last night, I kept thinking "this is not the way things are supposed to happen! It can't end like this! Where is God in this?" When I was reading today, God took me to Psalm 42:

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.
By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me—a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God my Rock, "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?"
My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
You were God alone
And right now
In the good times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone
You're unchangeable
You're unshakable
You're unstoppable
That's what You are

I keep reading the report from Boston that I received Saturday night - hoping it'll say something different than it does:) Looks like they're not giving me a favorable prognosis. Because of their opinion, they are recommending full chemo to try to prevent any spread of the cancer. They seem more concerned about it spreading than about the local control. Anyway, it is extremely discouraging for me. So, I'll meet with a new chemo doc this week and talk shop. I've been nauseous all day just thinking about it:)

I keep thinking about an experience we had many years ago with some friends of ours in Bedford that had a little baby girl named Heidi Joy whose prognosis was not good -- we all prayed and believed and that little girl is now grown and is healthy. I still do believe that God can change the course of events at any moment. I'm surely stubborn enough to not give up!

There was a song back then that we sang and the chorus went something like this: Whose report will you believe? We will believe the report of the Lord. His report says I am healed. His report says I am filled. His report says I am free. His report says victory. (I think I'm at least close on th0se lyrics!)

We've been completely around this block now ... from no chemo and no radiation to full chemo and full radiation ... from no major surgery to major surgery and back ... from Proton radiation to conventional radiation. Three opinions and three treatment protocols - actually I think there's more than that because some have had more than one opinion! If anyone has wisdom here, it's time to speak! I'm not sure anyone knows the answer and I'm beginning to question my lab rat qualifications.

God has us all in a mode of confusion for a reason. He is in control and has a plan. Thanks for your love and your prayers.

So I haven't talked to Boston, but Dr Mollabashy talked to them this morning. Here's the latest: they think there is not a huge benefit to the Proton over conventional radiation for my case and my age (don't you love when they throw the age factor in there). If I were in my 20s or younger, there would be an advantage apparently. If I understood correctly, if you are younger then you have a longer life expectancy and therefore a longer time to get secondary cancer. If you're older, your possibility of secondary cancer decreases because your life expectancy is shorter - something like that anyway!

The new curve ball thrown today is that Boston is recommending that we do a pre-radiation chemo to radiosensitize any potential cells so that the radiation is more effective. They are also recommending follow-up chemo post-radiation to combat any potential spread of any potential cancer. Lots of potentials there, huh??

So, somehow I've gone from no radiation or chemo to full radiation and chemo - go figure. All I know is that I've got three opinions here and none of them are the same:) OK maybe bits and pieces are the same. I'm so confused and I feel like such a gambler.

The immediate plan is this - I will do final markings (tattoos is what that means I now know) on Monday for radiation and then will meet with a new chemotherapist on Tuesday to discuss the new chemo risks/benefits. Radiation will be put on hold until I do this pre-chemo. Don't know timing or details - hope to know next week (we've heard that before, right??)

I had a luncheon today with my friends at the medical journal - looks like we'll all go separate ways next week. I will miss them a lot. They have worked so hard the last few months to cover for me! John left this afternoon to go to the Men's Retreat at church so mom and the boys and I will hang out this weekend. Hopefully I'll feel like doing something fun:)

I'll get back to the Piper points tomorrow - think I'll take a nap now. I am both physically and emotionally exhausted. Tomorrow's a new day and yes, His mercies are new every morning.

#2 - You will waste your cancer if you believe it is a curse and not a gift.

These don't get any easier do they?? All I can think about this is that maybe he's talking about God making good of every circumstance - and I do believe that. He does make ALL things beautiful in His time. He can make every curse a blessing for those that serve Him.

It's 8:00 pm and I haven't heard from Boston. He did say he'd call me tonight, so perhaps there's still a chance. I do go to rehab tomorrow and will see Dr M so I'm hoping he heard something today. Monday's only three days away - why should I be anxious?? :)

Today was a day ... I went to the wound doctor this morning and they did minor surgery on my thumb (really - it was probably one of the most painful things I've been through thus far!!) When your immune system is down and your blood is thin, don't try to dig a splinter out of your thumb with a needle...trust me!

I love all of the comments the last few days - jump in here. I'm not saying I agree with everything Piper is saying, but I do think he makes some great points. Let me hear what you think.

For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you. Psalm 84:11-12