#1: You will waste your cancer if you do not believe it is designed for you by God.

Tough one to start out with I guess! Bottom line is this: what God permits, He permits for a reason. He could stop cells from developing. If He does not, then He has a purpose. Satan is powerful - but he is not more powerful than God. Not to say Satan isn't alive and well but I refuse to give in because God's spirit lives within me and enables me to overcome:) I choose not to give Satan one ounce of credit. I committed my life to Christ many years ago, so He is in charge. He always has and always will be at work in every detail on my life.

Today's been a good day. I went to rehab this morning and then mom and I went to Super Target (first time in months for me!) Yes, I got one of those goofy riding carts and put my crutches in the basket and was off to the races. I was very uncomfortable at first, but finally decided it was OK that everyone was staring at me and I took advantage of the opportunity to smile and say hello:) You never know what doors God will open when you put yourself out there.

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And ev'ry tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm - Casting Crowns

I am feeling stronger every day (and yet there are days when I feel like I take a few steps backwards!) I was able to go into work yesterday for about three hours and then felt good enough last night to decide not to take the meds to sleep and instead continue the daytime pain regimen - big mistake. I realized about an hour after I got into bed that I should have taken the sleep meds:) Right now, I am on Darvocet during the day every four hours (usually just one, but occasionally two) and then I have a lot of nerve pain at night so I usually take a tranquilizer to rest. I HATE PILLS - for those of you that know me well, I rarely take a Tylenol much less narcotics. John keeps saying he's getting embarrassed to keep going to the pharmacy to pick up more drugs:)

In case you do not know, once the surgical pain alleviated around eight weeks post-op, I began having joint/bone pain - probably from my lack of cartilage and the cement rubbing against the bone in the hip. I'm still on crutches but have hopes of getting OFF of them within the next few weeks. I'm not sure how the radiation will affect my current progress, but will soon find out! I've been eyeing those cool stand up motorized scooters. I figure the boys will love playing with it once I'm through with it.

Some of you have asked me to update you on specific prayer requests, so here goes:

• Pray that we will have a clear treatment plan by the end of the week
• Pray that I will tolerate the imminent radiation/chemo well
• Pray that I would be able to walk without assistance and that I can get off of the narcotics
• Pray for healing for a "wound" on my right thumb that is not healing

I recently received an article written by John Piper that I will discuss more in depth over the next few days, but wanted to give you a summary so you can get your thinker going - I'd love to have some good discussion on this!

1. You will waste your cancer if you do not believe it is designed for you by God.

2. You will waste your cancer if you believe it is a curse and not a gift.

3. You will waste your cancer if you seek comfort from your odds rather than from God.

4. You will waste your cancer if you refuse to think about death.

5. You will waste your cancer if you think that "beating" cancer means staying alive rather than cherishing Christ.

6. You will waste your cancer if you spend too much time reading about cancer and not enough time reading about God.

7. You will waste your cancer if you let it drive you into solitude instead of deepen your relationships with manifest affection.

8. You will waste your cancer if you grieve as those who have no hope.

9. You will waste your cancer if you treat sin as casually as before.

10. You will waste your cancer if you fail to use it as a means to witness to the truth and glory of Christ.

I feel like I've been really whiny this week. I'm tiring of the same old routine every day. I remind me of the Israelites in the desert:)

God met their needs every single day. There was not a day when they didn't wake up to find manna outside of their tents. Granted, it wasn't there the night before ... but it was there in the morning! They didn't starve, but they still complained.

Oh that I could rest in His provision for me today. I must be thankful for what I do have and not let my mind wander to things I do not have. It's easy to complain in the heat of the fire but I've got to be grateful for His many provisions - there are many:)

Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-
who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.
Psalm 103:1-6

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light my strength my song
This Cornerstone this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love what depths of peace
When fears are stilled when strivings cease
My Comforter my all in all
Here in the love of Christ I stand

It's been a good week. I made it through two rehab appointments, two doctor's appointments and even got to go to work for a couple of hours! I am SO thankful for mom being here and for you precious friends who keep my family going. Mom went home today and will come back sometime next week.

John is having some back pain, so he's even seen some doctors the last few weeks. I think we're falling apart!! The boys are doing well - are really being spoiled by their Gigi:)

There's nothing really new on the medical front. I'm still waiting on Boston to return their verdict next week on whether I'll be going to Boston or staying in Dallas. I have mixed emotions but really have a peace. I've gotten some new medications this week so hopefully we're heading in the right direction in that arena. I hope so - I feel like such a whiny baby!

God is the strength of my heart. His peace surpasses all understanding and His love cradles me in His hands ... and life goes on. I feel like I'm in a bubble, on the sidelines, in a time warp - I look at people and I wonder if they know how normal they are. I wonder if they appreciate their ability to live life and drive and work and look good:) I wonder if they are taking advantage of every opportunity that God sends their way. I wonder if they know that life as they know it could change drastically at any given moment.

We have a great responsibility to share the love of Christ with those we come in contact with every day. Ultimately, their ONLY hope lies at the foot of the cross, in surrender and in worship to Him.

No guilt in life no fear in death
This is the pow'r of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No pow'r of hell no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand

I hate to post twice in one day, but mom found an article tonight that we found interesting. It explains a little about our plight:) It seems it would be a miracle if Boston accepts me, but miracles happen everyday!


http://health.usnews.com/articles/health/cancer/2008/04/16/the-promise-of-proton-beam-therapy.html

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21

Today I actually went into the office for a couple of hours for a meeting -- whoo hoo! FINALLY met a goal (even though I was 30 minutes late:) I felt great while I was there, but not so good afterwards. I have to keep moving ahead!

While I was talking to people at work, some things seemed to clear up for me. MD Anderson's response to me was to not do radiation, but do the major surgery. We are waiting on Mass General's response, but it could be the same response based upon their initial reaction. Thank goodness that my surgeon here at least willing to try some other things before doing surgery.

The big thing is that as of now, there is no conclusive evidence that there are still remnant cancer cells - there are suspicious spots and the probability is high - but no proof. The radiation could take care of any remnant. I might lose my hair - but I can grow that back! REMEMBER - God can do anything He wants at any time:)

I keep thinking that if you have breast cancer or other cancers and the doc lays out the most aggressive plan of attack, you do it based upon the fact that a) you don't really need that part of your body or you can reconstruct it if you do b) the quality of life would not be significantly hampered by proceeding with major surgery.

Well, we can't reconstruct my mobility and at least at this point, I feel that would significantly hamper my quality of life - HOWEVER, if this is a life and death decision I would certainly proceed. It's just a tough call - please pray that God would give us clear direction and if you have words of wisdom, please impart:) Even if I have the surgery, I could beat the odds and walk again anyway. REMEMBER - God can do anything He wants at any time.

Thanks to my friend Lara for sending the excerpt below, so appropriate for me today:

"Listen to Me continually. I have much to communicate to you, so many people and situations in need of prayer. I am training you to set your mind on Me more and more, tuning out distractions through the help of My Spirit. Walk with Me in holy trust, responding to My initiatives rather than trying to make things fit your plans. I died to set you free, and that includes freedom from compulsive planning. When your mind spins with a multitude of thoughts, you cannot hear my voice. A mind preoccupied with planning pays homage to the idol of control. Turn from this idolatry back to Me. Listen to Me and live abundantly!
"From "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young

No king is saved by the size of his army; no warrior escapes by his great strength. A horse is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its great strength it cannot save. But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you. Psalm 33:16-22

I was thinking today about how stressed I get thinking about treatments and the risks and effectiveness. You know what? I can't put my trust in those things. No matter how great the treatments are or how effective they may or may not be, they will not save me.

Only God will deliver me. He may use treatments and doctors to accomplish His work in my life or He may not. Ultimately, that's His decision. My job is to rest in the hope that only He can provide.

Thank you SO much for those of you that take time to send encouraging cards and emails just to let me know you're out there fighting with me:) The battle is much easier with lots of warriors and a cord of three (or more) is not easily broken. I can't tell you how many times God has used YOU to encourage me and make my burden lighter. Onward (and upward) fellow warriors!

Did I sign up for this?? I'm thinking back over the last few months and I don't remember signing anything giving my consent. It must have been in some fine print somewhere:) It goes to show you that you really do need to read the whole contract!

It's that unspoken and unwritten part of the God contract I think:) It's the part where you surrender yourself to Him and His will. It's the part where you trust that God is in control and knows best. It's the part where you choose to believe that He will work all things for good. For me the planner: It's the part where you wish you'd have known so you could have planned for it because all the plans you had are now at best on hold!

You know why we can't know the future? Because we cannot handle it. Really, we can only handle one day at a time and that is with the help of God. It's His protection that keeps us alive from one day to the next and His provision that sustains us and enables us to do what we are able to do.

Take time to thank God for TODAY - watch for opportunities TODAY - you do not know what tomorrow holds. All we have is TODAY. Don't waste a single moment. Live every moment with gratitude, looking for opportunity to speak into the lives of others and love them. May God be glorified in that.

But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold. Job 23:10

Today we met with the doctor. He says we will wait for the results from the Boston conference on May 1 (two weeks) to determine the plan of attack. IF Boston accepts me for Proton treatment, then we will proceed with that. If they turn me down, we will proceed with conventional radiation here in Dallas. He says the radiation does not help the Grade 1 chondrosarcoma but could help any remnants of the Grade 4 chondrosarcoma.

Even though the tumor was only 15% aggressive, they have to treat it as if it were all aggressive. There is a chance the radiation will decrease the chance of recurrence but if the tumor does recur, they will proceed with the major surgery. We have opted to stay here in Dallas for the surgery if that occurs.

I asked him about the pain. He said at this point, the pain may be temporary from the physical therapy or may just be a part of my life as long as I have a "compromised" hip joint because of the lack of cartilage and the portions removed in surgery. So - on to pain management for that! IF we don't have to do the major surgery (pray that we don't!) then he will do hip replacement approximately four years after radiation therapy is completed - whew! I will continue to have scans every three months during this time.

So God and I had a little 5:00 am meeting this morning. I prayed once again that he will take the cancer away and that I will not have to have the major surgery:) He could take it away in an instant, you know?! Looks like the radiation is inevitable at the point - either here or in Boston.

So, I need to press on and start trying to live life as best I can. I will go to complete the pre-radiation setup on Wednesday at Baylor so that if we decide to proceed in Dallas, I can start radiation treatment the first week of May.

I do feel like we have a solid plan now and I feel like I know what I am dealing with physically. Thank you thank you for praying for my sleep and for my pain. God does answer your prayers! Please pray that God's will would be done and that He will direct the doctors (and us) as we continue to walk this journey.

He is faithful - He is sovereign - He is worthy of our praise!

So here is raw "me" right now ... I am bouncing somewhere between "Lord, what are you trying to teach me?? What is the purpose of this journey??" and "This doesn't happen to people like me ... I'm a child of God, covered by His protection and held by His mighty hand -- no weapon formed against me will prosper, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!"

I have GOT to believe that all things work together for good for those who love Christ and are called according to His purpose, but I am struggling at times.

Remember back when I said that I was glad that God didn't take me quickly because of all the opportunities I was having to experience the love of those around me?? That was three months ago before I was in pain and really tired of sitting in a recliner:) Now I frequently ask John to please hit me with a hammer and knock me out!!

But let me tell you - the peace of God is surrounding me. I am not anxious and am truly taking one day at a time. His peace does surpass all understanding - because there's a shortage of understanding on my part right now:)

I refuse to believe that He doesn't love me and isn't working all things for good. This is foundational for me and quite frankly there is nothing else to stand on at the moment:)

So I will sing of His mercy and of His love and once again will surrender to His will. Whom have I in heaven but You? There is nothing on earth I desire besides You. You are the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Yes, God is in control and God is good.

Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds. Psalm 73:23-28

I got a call from Dr. Delaney in Boston today - believe it! He said they would be presenting my case at conference on May 1 and that he will call me and let me know what they decide. I have to get my pre-op and post-op scans put on CD tomorrow and send them to him so he can prepare to present the case. He wouldn't really commit to deciding on surgery or Proton therapy. The problem with the surgery is that it could permanently disable me (joy!). We'll have to hear the risks/percentages on surgery vs Proton and pray that God will give us great wisdom in making a decision. If they accept me as a patient, I will probably be heading to Boston the first part of May for reevaluation and treatment.

I am still having a great deal of pain getting up from a seated position. I seem to get "looser" as the day goes on, but mornings are ROUGH. I did not go to therapy today, but hope to be back on Friday if I can get there.

Great news on the medical journal front. It looks like my job of 20 years with Selected Readings and Dr. McClelland is truly moving on to Chicago after 5+ years of negotiation and over two years of transition. It should officially be off of my plate on May 1 - this is a huge answer to prayer for me. I'll still be closing down the corporation and tying up some loose ends after that, but for the most part, it will be gone.

John and I will celebrate 23 years of marriage on Sunday. I was thinking about our wedding today. For those of you who were there, it was quite the production (ha!) We had a choir of kids (all of our neices and nephews and significant kids in our lives). They sang the song "In His Time". God brought that song to mind again today:

In His time in His time
He makes all things beautiful in His time
Lord please show me ev'ry day
As You're teaching me Your way
That You do just what You say in Your time

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:18-39

'nuff said:) It's been another rough day. I have some swelling in my hip and it is very difficult to move. I will call the doctor in the morning. I'm so ready to feel like I'm making SOME progress in this healing process! It's been two months since surgery. It's hard to believe it's already the middle of April - where has 2008 gone?? :) I want SO bad to report some good news to you!

So. here's the good news: God loves me and He is giving me incredible peace in the midst of a turbulent storm. My prayer is that this pain will yield great fruit. I don't understand it all, but I know that God has a plan. It's hard to understand the ways of God sometimes but I do believe His ways are right and good. We may not see the "right and good" with our human eyes, but we've got to believe in His promises ... that is the source of our hope and the source of our joy. As it says above, hope that is seen is no hope at all:)

So I didn't find out anything new. They did some CT and radiation prep work today (I now have tattoo markers on my hip - I hope they are not permanent:) I go back for more radiation prep next Wednesday.

I asked the tech if this meant they were proceeding with radiation in Dallas, she said they had not made a final determination, but were prepping me just in case I stay in Dallas. Once the prep work is done, they can start treatments and didn't want to lose a week once the decision is made IF I stay in Dallas. AAAARRRRGGGHHH!

Thanks for your prayers. I had much less nausea today. I am still having incredible pain in my thigh and hip muscles and bones. Oh Lord, bring health to my body and my bones:)

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones. Proverbs 3:5-8

I am going to try to post quickly. I got a call this morning around 9:00 am from the radiation doc. He wants to see me at 2:00 at Baylor Downtown. We will be leaving to head that way soon. Please pray that he has determined the best treatment plan and that we will have clarity on how we should move ahead!

It's been a long weekend. I'm having quite a bit of pain from the last rehab visit on Friday and am having trouble balancing pain meds and nausea again. I think the biggest step forward will be for the docs to decide who is in charge of pain management so that I don't get conflicting info:)

I love the part of the verse below where it says - he holds all things together. That is extremely encouraging to me right now. Think about it. He holds us on earth because of gravity ... He keeps our hearts beating ... He protects us from all sorts of danger surrounding us. He is in control:)

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross. Colossian 1:15-20

Today I'm posting more from On The Anvil by Max Lucado. I hope it speaks to you as it has to me:

With a strong forearm, the apron-clad blacksmith puts his tongs into the fire, grasps the heated metal, and places it on the anvil. His keen eye examines the glowing piece. He sees what the tool is now and envisions what he wants it to be—sharper, flatter, wider, longer. With a clear picture in his mind, he begins to pound. His left hand still clutching the hot mass with the tongs, his right hand slams the two-pound sledge upon the moldable metal. On the solid anvil, the smoldering iron is remolded.

The smith knows the type of instrument he wants. He knows the size. He knows the shape. He knows the strength. Whang! Whang! The hammer slams. The shop rings with the noise, the air fills with smoke, and the softened metal responds. But the response doesn’t come easily. It doesn’t come without discomfort. To melt down the old and recast it as new is a disrupting process. Yet the metal remains on the anvil, allowing the toolmaker to remove the scars, repair the cracks, refill the voids, and purge the impurities.

And with time, a change occurs: What was dull becomes sharpened, what was crooked becomes straight, what was weak becomes strong, and what was useless becomes valuable. Then the blacksmith stops. He ceases his pounding and sets down his hammer. With a strong left arm, he lifts the tongs until the freshly molded metal is at eye level. In the still silence, he examines the smoking tool. The incandescent implement is rotated and examined for any mars or cracks. There are none.

Now the smith enters the final stage of his task. He plunges the smoldering instrument into a nearby bucket of water. With a hiss and a rush of steam, the metal immediately begins to harden. The heat surrenders to the onslaught of cool water, and the pliable, soft mineral becomes an unbending useful tool.

“For a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” I Peter 1:6-7

Do you know how an eaglet learns to fly? That eagle will take her eaglet to the very highest point—way out of its comfort zone—and then she releases it. As the eaglet falls, the mother swoops down and picks it back up again. She does this over and over until the eaglet spreads its wings and soars through the air.

And so it is with Christ. He is teaching us to fly - preparing us for eternity - pushing us out of our comfort zone and onto the gameboard of His purpose for our lives.

I've found myself incredibly impatient over the last few days - with the doctor's seeming lack of direction for me, with my recovery process. I am reminded tonight that God is in control. True to my colors, I'm still trying to "make things happen":)

I believe He'll give the docs direction when He wants them to move. I believe He can heal me in a moment without even using the doctors for that matter. I believe He will open doors when doors need to be opened. He is no respector of statistics or percentages or human timelines.

Oh that I would rest in His protection and care and know that He will swoop down and rescue me even when I think I'm falling to the ground. I pray that I would not waste a moment of this experience - that I would learn all that God has for me through it.

Today as I was praying for those of you reading this, I prayed that if this experience is not for my sake but for yours, that I would surrender. It's hard to know what God will do in a situation like this. I don't understand why I have to go through this, but I do understand that God has a purpose. He may heal me on earth, He may not - but He WILL accomplish His purpose in my life. God is good.

I'm exhausted! I went to Ryan's orchestra concert last night and then had my first rehab appointment today. I faintly remember the days of never sitting down between the hours of 6 am and midnight and am in awe of myself:)

So, here's the deal on the radiation. I still don't know what the plan is and neither do the docs. There are so many factors in my case that they're just not sure what the "right" decision is. For whatever reason, God has not given a clear path for us at this point. For those of you that know me well, you know I like my boundaries so this is a huge challenge for me.

I believe that God wants me to rely on Him daily and to allow room for Him to work in my life....but I LOVE my calendar and my plans and my processes and my agendas! Could it be that His purpose for me is much bigger than my grandest plans? I hope so.

I know He doesn't waste a tear and He doesn't waste pain. He has purpose in all of it and it is my prayer that above all He will be glorified.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, "He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him."But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved. Hebrews 10:35-39

Jesus lover of my soul, all consuming fire is in Your gaze
Jesus I want You to know, I will follow You all my days
For no one else in history is like You and history itself belongs to You
Alpha and Omega, You have loved me and I will share eternity with You

I awoke in the night with this song on my lips. I found a video of it on you tube (click below).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dD-ZdMOx_HY

I am amazed at His love for me. I am amazed at His care. Even though I am pitiful and pathetic (that's what I lovingly call myself these days), He is strong and able. There's no better place to be than in His hands.

I keep going through these exercises of surrender and submission and I think I've given all I can and then His spirit overcomes me again and I realize that somewhere deep within me there are still things being relinquished that I am not even consciously aware of. His healing is so much deeper than we will ever know.

Even though at times the physical pain goes deep, I know my spiritual pain must be deeper. I am in need of a Holy God and a Savior and a Healer and He is able to meet the needs above and beyond what I am even aware to ask Him for. What a good God we serve who goes beyond our comprehension and into the very core of who we are.

It's all about You, Jesus - And all this is for You - For Your glory and Your fame
It's not about me - As if You should do things my way
You alone are God and I surrender to Your ways

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, "I don't get it!" "You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or...you can choose to be in a bad mood I choose to be in a good mood." Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or...I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life. "Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life." I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back. I saw him about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins...Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter," he replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live." "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. He continued, "...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action." "What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said John. "She asked if I was allergic to anything 'Yes, I replied' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'" Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead." He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude...I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.

This story really spoke to me today and gave me a little chuckle so it's got to be good! I was able to go to church again yesterday and LOVED seeing everyone and feeling normal if just for a few minutes.

I am still awaiting a definitive word from the doctors on radiation - hopefully tomorrow. I've found myself saying those words a lot lately. Hope is a good thing.

It's been eight weeks today since surgery - sure thought I'd be feeling better by now. Patience...patience...patience. I am choosing to believe that God is healing me inside and out and that He makes all things beautiful IN HIS TIME.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. For surely, O Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield. Psalm 5:11-12

Isn't it good to serve God? Isn't it good to rejoice in Him? Isn't it good that He surrounds us with His favor as a shield? My soul yearns for His mercy and His healing.

Yes, it's time to rejoice in Him. It's time to praise Him for the blessings in my life, time to praise Him for His salvation, time to praise Him for His unfailing love and tender mercies that are new every morning. It's time to thank Him for the assurance of eternity and His provisions for today.

This battle is not mine. This sickness is not mine. It belongs to God and He is victorious. In Jesus' name, this is not a valley of suffering, but a valley of blessing:)

Jesus taught us to pray by first beginning with praise to Him. That is my plan for today!

One day Jesus was praying in a certain place. When he finished, one of his disciples said to him, "Lord, teach us to pray, just as John taught his disciples." He said to them, "When you pray, say: " 'Father, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come. Give us each day our daily bread. Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation. Luke 11:1-4

The Blacksmith's Shop by Max Lucado

In the shop of a blacksmith, there are three types of tools. There are tools on the junk pile: outdated, broken, dull, rusty. They sit in the cobwebbed corner, useless to their master, oblivious to their calling.

There are tools on the anvil:melted down, molten hot, moldable, changeable. They lie on the anvil, being shaped by their master, accepting their calling.

There are tools of usefulness:sharpened, primed, defined, mobile. They lie ready in the blacksmith’s tool chest, available to their master, fulfilling their calling.

Some people lie useless: lives broken, talents wasting, fires quenched, dreams dashed. They are tossed in with the scrap iron, in desperate need of repair, with no notion of purpose.

Others lie on the anvil: hearts open, hungry to change, wounds healing, visions clearing. They welcome the painful pounding of the blacksmith’s hammer, longing to be rebuilt, begging to be called.

Others lie in their Master’s hands: well tuned, uncompromising, polished, productive. They respond to their Master’s forearm, demanding nothing, surrendering all.

We are all somewhere in the blacksmith’s shop. We are either on the scrap pile, in the Master’s hands on the anvil, or in the tool chest. (Some of us have been in all three.) From the shelves to the workbench, from the water to the fire…I’m sure that somewhere you will see yourself. Paul spoke of becoming “an instrument for noble purposes.” And what a becoming it is! The rubbish pile of broken tools, the anvil of recasting, the hands of the Master- it’s a simultaneously joyful and painful voyage.

And for you who make the journey—who leave the heap and enter the fire, dare to be pounded on God’s anvil, and doggedly seek to discover your own purpose—take courage, for you await the privilege of being called “God’s chosen instruments".

So I think I have spent much of my life in the Master's hands, but have definitely been on the anvil over the last few weeks!

I feel pretty good about my appointment today. There were a few spots on the scan that they are going to watch, but the big one that I saw was cement from the surgery (and THAT is why I'm not a doctor:)

I go back to radiation on Tuesday to discuss a final treatment plan - still don't know where it'll be. I start rehab on Wednesday. So, at least things are moving which is a great relief to me.

I am still having pain in the hip joint, but he believes that it is from the femur rubbing against the cement in the hip socket. Still is saying the wide excision is an option if the spots don't go away. He would like to avoid that if possible because of the risks of that surgery.

So I really can't complain. You know how you hear of people going through pain and trials and others say "they never complained"... that isn't me. It's been a rough week of doctor's appointments, sickness and general blah - yet God is faithful and His peace has surrounded me in every way. I am blessed beyond measure.

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:14-21

My laptop crashed for the second time in a month - joy! John replaced the hard drive today, so we are back in business. I've been lost without it the last couple of days:)

We did do the scan yesterday. We won't know the results until in the morning. I am not a doc, but the scans don't look good to me. I'll wait for a professional opinion and pray for the best.

I've made contact with MD Anderson and I think they have everything they need to review my case. I have not heard from Chicago or Seattle, so will follow up with that tomorrow. Again, I cannot believe how diligent patients have to be to get the care they need. It's often frustrating.

So what now?? I don't know. I suspect if the tumor is back they will want to do more surgery and I don't know how that will affect any pending treatment. It truly is one day at a time isn't it?

I am so thankful for God's peace and His provision in every way. I do trust Him. In my human fraility I am tired and weak, but my faith in Him is strong.

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 42:11

We didn't get to do the scan today. We've rescheduled for tomorrow at 10:00 am. The doc gave me some pain patches to help me sleep through the night. Good news is that I slept all night - bad news is that the med made me sick. Anyway, the patch has been removed.

I did get a call from MD Anderson today and we are trying to get all of the reports, tests and scans to them so that they can do a medical review and determine if they will accept me for therapy.

Mom and Dad did get here this afternoon and we are so appreciative of their help. Tomorrow is a new day (thank goodness!)

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." Lamentations 3:22-24