I feel like I just spent the day at Disney World (and I just went to the doctor and out to eat lunch!) The news was not as good as we had hoped, so we had to go to the Cheesecake Factory to alleviate the pain - ha!

If you will remember, the surgeon thought that the tumor was more aggressive than the initial biopsy had showed and his suspicions were unfortunately correct. Probably 90% was Grade I (which is good), but there was a little bump on the top that was aggressive.

So, the plan is that they will have some sort of conference on Tuesday involving the pathologist, radiologist, medical oncologist and surgical oncologist. They will determine the next steps. There is a chance I will have some chemo (though it has not proven to be effective on this type of tumor) or they will wait for the next scan in six weeks and if there is any regrowth of the tumor, they will do a hemipelvectomy - he called it a "morbid" surgery which sounds horrible to me, but it just means that the surgery is serious and involves the pelvis, hip joint and the head of the femur and that it can permanently affect mobility - joy:)

The thought of chemo or another surgery is really not on my Top Ten List - so would you pray with me that the surgeon did get everything and that the aggressive cells won't regain strength?? My chance of recurrence has increased from 25% to 75% because of that little bump, so I am a bit bummed.

Some of you have asked about the hip replacement - that was strictly a therapeutic surgery to help mobility because of the loss of cartilage and is really not connected at this point with the actual cancer therapy.

So, where am I? Honestly I feel no different than I did yesterday and am actually feeling a little better since I don't have to wear a bandage or surgical hose and got my stitches out! Emotionally, I am basically the same -- God doesn't really work on percentages, you know. He either heals or He does not. He numbered my days before I had taken my first breath. He is not surprised or wondering what He is going to do with all this. He's already waiting at the finish line no matter what happens:)

I've been released to drive (as long as I'm not on pain killers!) and I'm hoping I'll be back on my feet within the next couple of weeks so I can drive! (I think he knew he was pretty safe in releasing me because I'd have to be strong enough to push the gas pedal and brake, which is not really happening right now:) I am getting stronger every day.

So, where am I? God is good and He is still on the throne. He loves me and cares for me and provides all that I need. Considering all, I've got it really good (but this princess stuff is definitely not what it's cracked up to be:)

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39 (but go ahead and read the whole chapter:)

Granny forwarded this to me today from Joel Osteen. These are good words. Granny and I agreed these are "our words" for today:)

Do you need more confidence for something specific in your life today? Confidence is strength in knowing that God has chosen you and equipped you for everything in life today. It doesn’t matter what you may be facing, you can find confidence in God. When you understand how much God loves you and that He desires to empower you, every obstacle will become smaller and smaller. Know this, for every challenge, God has a solution. He wants to turn your obstacle into opportunity. He wants to bring you out stronger than before. He wants to take you to higher places. Your soul can find refuge and shelter in Him. That means, you can rest, even in the midst of the storms of life. Take a step of faith today and begin to thank Him for working your life. Thank Him for the confidence that He has promised you. Remember, God is at work on your behalf. He will fill your heart with His peace, confidence and power to move forward into the abundant life He has for you!

That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak." But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."
Genesis 32:22-26

Ah - so this is the story people keep teasing me about and this is the story I have avoided comparing myself to. Why? One little word: manipulation! Jacob is said to have been "manipulative". And I'm certainly NOT manipulative - that is deceit, sin, wretched selfishness at its finest - I am NOT manipulative (such emphatic response is usually a clear indication of guilt!) Jacob apparently was strong AND could drive a hard bargain.

manipulation: to manage or influence skillfully, esp. in an unfair manner: to manipulate people's feelings.

OK so maybe an insy tinsy bit me...that's not an easy one to admit and I am not mindful of it, but something in my spirit kicks up a notch when I say it, so I've repented none the less. I blame it all on my career start in public relations and politics! And I'm a first child and I was born that way and ... by all means, blame it on somebody:)

There've been foundations that I've laid, never to see the harvest because God wasn't in it. There have been plans (fully documented no doubt) that I've made that I'll never see become reality because God wasn't in it. There's been times when God has shut the door that I was running through at full pace!

One in particular occurred some 22 years ago when John and I began trying to start a family. Well, we went through several months of trying to conceive and a couple of surgeries to help us conceive and then were told we needed to try invitrofertilization. So, I started the fertility drugs until one day when God spoke to me in a strong way.

He took me to His word and the story of Isaac and Ishmael. If you are not familiar with this one, it is where Abraham decided to give up on having the promised child with his wife and basically found a surrogate that birthed Ishmael. Well Ishmael was trouble - still proving to be trouble years after his death! Oh that Abraham would have waited on God's plan instead of forging ahead with his own. And so is the story of my life -- so many times I find myself "leading" God (AS IF THAT CAN BE DONE) instead of following God.

I listened and 10 years later, God brought us two birthmothers and two precious boys within two years of one another. This is almost unheard of in the adoption arena. As the boys get older we sometimes wonder why He thinks WE can parent them (parenting is by far the most difficult thing I've ever attempted - but that's another story for another day)!

And so here I am again - at a door closed (at least temporarily) by God. What will I do with it? No doubt we have had a few wrestling matches and no doubt He's touched my hip:) - but in no way will I challenge His will or His way or make a deal with Him. I want to choose Isaac and not Ishmael. I want to be open to God's work in my life and I want to submit to His Lordship over me. This is the best place to be. And so I will sit at His feet and wait for my marching orders. He has a better plan than I could ever imagine.

Wow - it's been two weeks since surgery! I'm feeling pretty good but still a long way from "normal". What is "normal" anyway??

My spirits remain pretty good most of the time. I'm trying to move around as much as possible up and down the hall, but am still not tackling the stairs. I did put on pajamas today instead of a nightgown which felt good. I have stitches from upper-thigh to the bottom of my rib cage on the right side, so anything on the waist is a bit challenging. The incision is actually a backwards "C" shape, but if stretched out it'd probably be about 18 inches long. I guess this means no more bikinis - ha!

All of my boys are doing well. John has had a cold throughout most of this ordeal, but is feeling much better now. Ryan had a sinus infection and then a stomach virus, so missed a week of school. Cody has been home sick the last couple of days with a fever and cough! I cannot imagine what I would have done without my mom here. What a blessing.

I have had some incredible times of "connection" with many of you. Thank you so much for taking time out of your very busy schedules to come see me (I used to be you, so I know how hard it is to fit things like this into your schedule).

Why is that? Why do we allow ourselves to get so preoccupied with activites and appointments and lose incredible opportunities to really connect to one another? I've learned so much from you all and I feel so uplifted everytime we talk, visit or exchange emails. We've got to find a way to make more time for one another! What opportunities are we missing by not keeping our priorities in order? (or perhaps I'm the only one that struggles with this)

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. Hebrews 10:23-25

More from old journals:)
Nothing is richer
Than a rainbow o'er the sky
But a rainbow doesn't come
'Til the storm clouds have died (November 1982)

Every person I meet is in some way my superior and in that I can learn (August 1983)

Lord, let me be Your servant
As I softly speak Your name
Guide my life and control me
Let me never be the same
Give me a servant's heart, Lord
With a joyful happy sound
Make me be the best for You
As I'm looking for Your crown
I want to be Your servant
I want You to be my King
Let me give and live for Your name
If Your praises it will bring
I want to be Your servant
I want You to be my King
Let Your power and praise be seen in me
As I worship You, my King (March 1984)

Here's the prayer update: Please pray that they got all of the cancer and that it will not return. Also, please pray that God will create cartilage where there is none so that I will not have to have hip replacement surgery. I will go back to the doctor on Friday.

I spent this morning looking back through old diaries and journals from elementary school to the present (boy was that exciting!) It's simply amazing how many times I have been "in love" in my life:) What was most interesting is how many times I found myself up against a wall because I had let work, projects and responsibilities get out of balance with my relationships and my devotion to God - go figure.

As recently as the summer of 2006, this is what I wrote: "Sometimes I stop and look around and wonder how I got here! I am 'successful' in a career I never intended to have, I am caught once again in a whirlwind of pleasing everyone except the ones I need to please the most. Lord help me to clearly see Your perfect path and may I choose to walk in it. Give me wisdom, give me strength, give me Your heart to speak to others and love them through You. Thank you for saving me and bringing me to You. Help me know Your perfect plan. Help me to understand Your Word in a deep way. Help me live for You and grow in knowledge of You. Give me strength for endurance and fill me with joy, strength and thankfulness for life's journey."

"I laugh in the face of fear!" - does anyone remember what movie that was in? I was thinking it was Princess Bride, but not sure. Well, I don't know that I am laughing, but I have no fear. God is surrounding me with His peace and His love and I can say with confidence that I have no fear. He provides all I need and He is enough. I will fear no evil - for He is with me. His rod and His staff they comfort me. He leads me, He protects me and He taps me into line when I get out of place:)

Everyday I am stronger. I am blessed by your calls, your cards, your emails, your visits, your prayers, your love, your meals, your concern ... well, you get the idea. I am TRULY blessed. Today John's coworkers even took up a collection for a donation to the American Cancer Society in my name! Yes, I am blessed beyond measure.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who . . . have chosen . . . to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. Henri Nouwen

It feels so good to have some space! My life had become so crowded: wall-to-wall. Somewhere in that traffic jam, I think I lost me:)

So I'm learning all over again. What do I really want? What do I really like? Who am I? What does God want for me? What is His purpose in me? I have time to read, time to write, time to breath and enjoy all the blessings God has given. It's kind of like being on an extended vacation except I have this little thing called a surgical scar, inability to walk sans assistance, inability to sleep very well at night, occasional nausea/headaches and a medication schedule...okay so it's not Club Med:) And I think I like eating filet rather than being the filet.

But it is good and I am thankful for computers and the internet so I can maintain contact with the outside world and continue to work a little and keep my mind engaged on something besides me! Yes, God is good. He meets my every need. He loves me. He heals me.

I am reading Psalm 31 today - my favorite verse is 19: How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you.

Are you living on purpose? I've been thinking about that today. I think about how much of my time can be consumed by things that won't matter the next day (or the next moment for that matter)!

I am praying that through this experience God will give me a clearer vision of His purpose for me and for the moments of each day. I know I often spend more time worrying about the presentation than the content or about the plan more than the people.

I am praying that God will continue to give me room to breathe and ability to see with eyes of discernment and that I would act with a heart full of wisdom. He is much more concerned with my heart than with my talent. Man can get caught up with my bandwidth and my ability: God not so much:)

Growing up, I used to play the piano while my dad sang this song. Its words resonate with God's message for me today:

I'd rather have Jesus than silver or gold
I'd rather be His than have riches untold
I'd rather have Jesus than houses or lands
I'd rather be led by His nail-pierced Hand

I'd rather have Jesus than men's applause
I'd rather be faithful to His dear cause
I'd rather have Jesus than worldwide fame
I'd rather be true to His holy Name

He's fairer than lilies of rarest bloom
He's sweeter than honey from out the comb
He's all that my hungering spirit needs
I'd rather have Jesus and let Him lead

Than to be the king of a vast domain
And be held in sin's dread sway
I'd rather have Jesus than anything
This world affords today

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world." John 9:1-5

Some of you have asked - and I have concurred - "WHY ME?" And yet in my honest moments, I say "WHY NOT ME?" As a Christian, there is no short straw, there is no bad luck. We exist for the glory of God. If our lives do not glorify Him, we are not His. He is in control and all He does is good.

Most of you don't have cancer, but you've suffered pain in your life: a sickness, the death of a loved one, broken dreams, broken promises. Life is unfair (take a deep breath and say it out loud:) God never promised life would be fair, but he did promise to work all things together for good. He did promise that He would be our refuge. He did promise that His love would never fail us.

Even as in John 9 where people questioned God's healing, where people questioned God, where people failed to believe, we continue in that same response today. Oh, that we would be people of faith that would yield to Him and to His work in our lives. May we be like that blind man.

Jesus heard that they had thrown him out, and when he found him, he said, "Do you believe in the Son of Man?" "Who is he, sir?" the man asked. "Tell me so that I may believe in him."
Jesus said, "You have now seen him; in fact, he is the one speaking with you."
Then the man said, "Lord, I believe," and he worshiped him. John 9:35-38

Pastor Henry was one of our pastors when we first got married in 1985. He was a former missionary to Africa with a precious wife and three sons. Pastor Henry was a wise old man, some thought a prophet - a serious intercessor and much more philosophical than the common man. John met with Pastor Henry every morning at 6:30 am to pray for quite a few years. I don't know every detail of Pastor Henry's life, but I do know he had left the mission field against his will - I do know that he had lost a son in a motorcycle accident - I do know that at least one of his living sons was not a believer. His wife had been frail for many years and passed away quite a few years ago. Pastor Henry himself passed away within the last few years at 90+ years of age.

I remember him telling me once that living a life with Jesus means never living in regret. He said when I got to the end of my life, I would look back with no regrets. I've never understood that statement, but I've thought about it many times. How could he believe that? He had serious disappointment in his life. Yet I believe that when he died, he had the same peace that he had before, during and after every trial he had faced and that he regretted none of it.

Do you know what's really scary? I believe that old man:) I believe that I will someday look back at my life and have no regrets. I can't explain it, I don't understand it and I can't fathom it - but I believe it for me and I believe it for you.

I am feeling pretty good. Mornings are rough. It takes a while to get the pain under control and get comfortable and once the pain is gone, I'm too medicated to think clearly or get up and move around for too long! It's getting better every day though. Patience, patience, patience:)

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

DO YOU TRUST ME? I've got to tell you about a dream I had in one of my many trips in and out of consciousness the last few days:)

I was on an airplane and it was plummeting to the ground. There was one man on the plane and he had a parachute. For some reason, he picked me out of the crowd and held his hands out to me and said "Do you trust me?" With no hesitation I reached down to grab his hands and noticed the nail prints on them. He held me close and we jumped out together and that was the end of the dream.

I know that was God - reminding me to keep trusting Him and so that is my focus today. Regardless of the circumstances or the fear that surrounds me, I just need to trust Him.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes, fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones. Proverbs 3:5-8

Came home from hospital this afternoon. Extremely nauseous and tired. Hoping to feel better tomorrow.

Romans 4:17
He is our father in the sight of God in whom he believed – the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were.

Man cannot create something out of nothing. No matter how wise God has made him, man can only invent or use the things that already exist. Only God can create something out of nothing.

This is what's happening:

• cardiac complication is resolved
• fever of 101 last night
• took a lot of cartilage from the area during surgery, doctor says possible hip replacement in 1 - 2 yrs.

We have a very good and wise doctor (Praise the Lord for him) and he is giving us a report based on what his knowledge tells him, but God can make new cartilage, new bones and all kinds of things "out of nothing".

Jeremiah 33:3
"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know".

You have heard it said that there are no atheist in a "fox" hole. I also believe that it could be said there are no atheist in a surgery waiting room. Yesterday I saw many people holding hands praying on behalf of the loved one in surgery - no they have not outlawed prayer in the hospitals.
God tells us to call to Him and He will tell us great and unsearchable things we do not know. He is the God of miracles and the God who is in control, even when we hope for different answers than we get; continue to listen. We need to always call on Him; fighting out of the "fox" hole or enjoying life on the beach.

Praise the Lord, the surgery is over. Doctor is confident that he got all of the tumor and performed steps to ensure it does not return. Tana's doctor told us that the surgery was more extensive than was anticipated. The cancer according to the doctor, looked more aggressive than the results from the biopsy. Tana is having some cardiac complications and will have more tests around noon today. She remains strong and upbeat and really doing quite well.

Continue to call on the Lord on Tana's behalf.

Did you know I'm rare? Some of you are breathing a sigh of relief right now:) Yep, I've got the cancer that only affects 1 in 1.5 million women! Those numbers are staggering to me. Way before the foundations of the earth, God knew He'd create me and He knew exactly every hair on my head and had already numbered my days! That's staggering to me too.

You see - He knew that I would have a great family and a great childhood. He knew that I would trust Him at an early age and would never wander far off the path. He knew that I would marry a wonderful Christian man and that eleven years later we would adopt two precious sons. He knew of every success and failure I would experience. He knew I'd always have plans of my own, but that His plan would always be better. He knew that in 2008, I would hear news that would rock my world.

And once again... I will trust Him. I will hold steadfast to my belief that He is faithful. I believe that He loves me. And once again, I'm believing that He has a plan. A plan for good and not evil - a plan for hope and a future.

Will you believe with me? I am so thankful for my life: for the many blessings that are far too many to count. Most of my week has been filled with impatience and it's now turning to anxiousness.

I guess now I realize that AFTER the surgery, the rest of my life begins and I'm not totally sure what that looks like. BUT He does and I do trust God and I do believe He is faithful. I find myself where I long to be: bowing in humility before a God that knows everything about me and still loves me.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
Psalm 91:1

Who do you trust in? I have been amazed the last couple of weeks at the wide array of medical and technological advances that are available (I've tested almost all of them now!) I have also been "wowed" by the knowledge of specialists and medical professionals. Impressive no doubt.

I've found myself hanging on their every report, impatiently waiting for their instructions, anxiously awaiting test results ... as if my trust is in those things or that my healing in some way comes from those things. It is as if they are "idols" in my heart as I "worship" them over what I know to true about my God.

Will a report heal me? Will a surgery heal me? Will a medication heal me? No - ultimately only God will heal me. May I humble myself before Him. May I trust Him as my source. May I not put my trust in the "weapons" of this world. Yes, may I have a heart that burns for Christ and trusts in His provision alone.

For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles (and body scans and blood tests and doctor's reports). They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator - who is forever praised. Amen. Romans 1:21-23, 25

Here's the latest ... I am to report to surgery at 10:00 am on Monday and the surgery will be at 1:00 pm. Great news is that there's a chance I could be home before Valentine's Day! So much for the germ-free zone: Ryan has had fever since Tuesday and John is not feeling well either. BUT, God is good all the time:)

Someone sent me this excerpt from Rick Warren yesterday and it encouraged me, so I'm passing it on to you (highlights are mine):

People ask me, What is the purpose of life? And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity. We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense. Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one. The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort. God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christlikeness. I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for. You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems. If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness,"which is my problem, my issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off of yourself and onto God and others. You may discover that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God may not always heal or make it easy for you. It may be very difficult and yet God will strengthen your character, give you a ministry of helping other people, give you a testimony, draw you closer to Him and to people. You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life. Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)? When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we're called human beings, not human doings. Happy moments, PRAISE GOD. Difficult moments, SEEK GOD. Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD. Painful moments, TRUST GOD. Every moment, THANK GOD.

I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed with God's love and provision in my life. I am overwhelmed with your love and prayers. So many of you have stopped amidst your busy life (I faintly remember the feeling) and are lifting me up in prayer and are doing so many tangible things to take care of me and my family. What a blessing you are to me! I am enjoying your emails and phone messages so much and read them/listen to them over and over again. This email came from my friend, Janet, yesterday:

You are in my every prayer these days. I was thinking of how we were joking about John carrying you up and down the stairs at home when we all came to your house. The first song that played when I hit my random play on itunes last night was “Carry You to Jesus” by Steven Curtis Chapman. I just opened my media player this morning and did the same thing, just selecting random play and it also played that song first! It is a great reminder that even though I can’t physically carry you, I do have the privilege to be able to pray for you. The words say “I will carry you to Jesus. He is everything you need. I will carry you to Jesus, on my knees.”

I am desperately ready to get this tumor out of my body. It doesn't belong there - it's causing problems elsewhere in my body - it's keeping me from doing the things I love doing - it reminds me of death - it's just wrong.

And so it is with sin. Oh that I would have that same resolve in dealing with sin in my life. May I walk in purity before Christ. May I keep sin far from my heart. Let it not cause issues elsewhere in the body of Christ. May it not prevent me from serving Christ well. I pray that my words and my life are a pure offering to Him.

It's a good morning. God's grace and faithfulness to me are new this morning (as they are every morning)!

Kids are great aren't they? They have unbelievable faith. Some of you have shared that as your family is praying for me and as God answers, your kids just act like it's no big deal. They just believe that if they pray, God will answer. Good news comes as no surprise to them. They just believe.

Oh I wish I had that faith. I certainly believe God CAN heal - I've seen him do it on earth but sometimes He's chosen to heal "on the other side" of this life. There is that fine line between having faith and knowing that God is in control. Regardless, all He asks us to do is believe, pray, then receive.

I admit I usually receive, then believe. Not that I don't ask believing that He CAN, just don't know if He WILL. Oh God, help me with my unbelief! Thank goodness my God is gracious. I admire those of you who have believed from day one that God is going to remove the tumor completely without intervention. You are like Noah who built a big ole boat in the middle of a dry desert and saved his family when the rest of mankind was destroyed. You are like the woman who believed if she could just touch the hem of Jesus' garment she would be healed.

I do believe that He is working all things for good. I do believe He is good. I do believe He loves me. I do believe He supplies all of my needs. I do believe He is in control. I do believe He is the God that heals me. I do believe He is able to deliver me. I do believe.

Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain 'Go, throw yourself into the sea' and it will be done. If you believe (#1), you will receive (#3) whatever you ask for in prayer (#2)".
Matthew 21:21-22

So, keep believing and keep praying ... not just for my situation, but for our homes, our churches, our country. We must hold fast to God and to His promises. We must become people of great faith and believe that God can and will accomplish His work in our lives and in the lives of those around us.

I know it's against the rules to blog twice in one day, but it can't wait until tomorrow:)

The pathology came back today and it is a Class I (low-grade) tumor. Surgery is scheduled for Monday. They will remove the diseased part of the hip and will do bone grafting to replace the lost bone (curettage and grafting for those of you in the medical community). They will not do total hip replacement. Chances for having to have a blood transfusion have significantly decreased. The hospital stay and rehab will be significantly shorter than anticipated.

On another note, Ryan came home sick from school today so John took him to the doctor. It is just a sinus infection - so we are relieved that he is not contagious. My dad ended up going back to Waco today but mom is going to stay. He will probably come back this weekend sometime.

THANK YOU for your prayers. Hopefully we will all sleep a little better tonight. Do you know that my God is BIG, I mean really BIG?

The Lord will give strength to His people.
The Lord will bless His people with peace.
Psalm 29:11

I am not in charge here... if I were in charge, I would have predicted this, I would have prevented it or at least gotten everything in order so that the battle could begin. I would have thought through every scenario and done all the research and I would have a plan. Not only would I have had a plan: I would have pulled all available resources. Execution of the plan would be in full force by now ... complete with atmosphere, ambiance and coordinated decor. There would be few stones unturned, few i's undotted, few t's uncrossed and most questions answered. The boundaries would be established, the roles of everyone clearly defined and the final outcome well within my sight. I might even have delivered the final product to you with a pretty bow on top of it (by 2:00 am or so).

Now back to reality - I am not in control! But guess what? Neither are the doctors or the circumstances or the disease. And the same God that has enabled me to do anything I have ever accomplished in my life is still in the driver's seat. He's got the map - I'm just along for the ride.

I didn't sleep much last night, so I had plenty of time to think of you and this is what God told me to tell you: You are not in control either. If you have surrendered your life to Him, He is in the driver's seat. You no longer call the shots. As much in control as you think you are or He enables you to be, you are not in control.

If you have not surrendered your life to Him, do it today. There is a joy and a peace awaiting you that you will never experience outside of Him. You will never find contentment and happiness without Him. Give it up - you are not in control:)

I am not my own, I was bought with a price
I was purchased with the precious blood of Jesus Christ
All my debts were paid by His sacrifice
Hallelujah to the Lamb who redeems my life

(Chorus of the song "I Am Not My Own" by Marty Nystrom)

When my friend and pastor, Bruce, called the night before surgery I told him "this is where the rubber meets the road!" That remains the story of my life right now. Do I believe what I have been faithful to proclaim to others my whole life? Do I believe God can heal? Do I believe He can heal me? Is He really all that I need?

YES. YES. YES. and YES.

Will He heal me on earth? I DON'T KNOW. For that matter, I don't know that I'll wake up in the morning. I don't know that I won't be in a car accident the next time I ride in a car. I don't know if a soup can will roll over me on grocery aisle 16 (ever see the first Stuart Little movie?) Sorry - had to lighten up a little.

I do believe He loves me ... I do believe He heals. I do believe He is all I need. OH and I do believe in miracles (did you watch Eli last night??!) Not every moment of my day is filled with optimism - I do have my moments: ask me what I said to my brother as they were prepping me for surgery (under slight sedation I might add). I am feeling stronger now than I have most of the day. Thank you for your love and your prayers.

O Lord, You have searched me and You know me
You know when I sit and when I rise, You perceive my thoughts from afar
You discern my going out and my lying down, You are familiar with all my ways
Before a word is on my tongue, You know it completely O Lord
You hem me in - behind and before, You have laid Your hand upon me
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, You are there. If I make my bed in the depths, You are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea
Even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to You, the night will shine like the day
for darkness is light to You. Psalm 139:1-12

Another beautiful day... I had my first real "pity party" last night since this all began. Spent a little time boo-hooing about not being able to get out and around and wondering if I'd ever be out and around again ... and lamenting about not being able to play in the worship band today and not getting to go to Cody's game yesterday or out to eat or shop ... PATHETIC! PITIFUL!

OK I'm over it:)

I set up my Facebook today - that entertained me for a couple of hours. I've been wanting to do it for a long time but have plenty of time to do such things right now. I've been listening to a lot of music - God is using music to minister to me in a strong way. If you want to go to itunes, you can listen to a clip of "Here In the Shadow" by Shannon Wexelberg or "Abba Father" by Klaus Kuhn. Great stuff. I'm reading a book called "Grace for Tough Times" by Mary J Nelson. I'm listening to your phone messages and reading your emails...over and over again.

Where do people go when they don't turn to Christ? That baffles me. I am a strong person...were it not for the grace of God in my life, I guess I would turn to me (but that option would definitely have limitations). I guess I could rely on my friends and family (which I am doing plenty of...but though they may try, they cannot bring peace or ultimate healing to me). I guess I might rely on my status or my money (neither of which I have a lot of, but if I did) - those certainly would have limitations. Where do these people go and how exhausting would it be to get there?

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of Mercies and God of all comfort, who comofrts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in trouble with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5

People may make plans in their minds,
but the Lord decides what they will do.
Proverbs 16:9

What a beautiful day. I have the recliner right in front of the window so I can see outside. I slept really well last night. Getting stir crazy already. And life goes on ... people still are going to work, going to parties, having fun while I'm in "time out":) Yet, God is good and He is continually blessing my life in so many ways.

Mom and dad have been here since last Sunday. They plan to go home for a few days this week and then will return towards the end of the week. John has been able to work some this week and will work most of next week except when we go to the doctor on Friday. The boys are continuing with their routine (thank you to mom and dad and others who are making that possible!)

Ryan went to a birthday party last night - mom and dad took him. It was at the Trail Dust Steakhouse. I have heard rumors that he actually danced (OK stood) on the dancefloor, but he is denying all allegations. Cody had two basketball games this morning. He made six points! Some of our friends videotaped the game, so I look forward to seeing it in a few days and reliving the proud parent moment:) Tonight, John, my dad and the boys will go to a Tornado Hockey Game in Frisco with some of their karate friends. They plan to go to church in the morning too.

We're planning to watch the Super Bowl. I can't decide who I want to cheer for. As some of you know, I am a huge football fan. I wanted the Cowboys in the game, then I changed over to the Chargers, now ... I don't like the Giants, but I do like Eli Manning, and generally cheer for the underdog - so I think I'm cheering for Eli.

Thanks for your love and your prayers. The scripture below was sent by my friend, Klaus (another amazing worship leader!) http://www.klausmusic.com/

The LORD is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?
Psalm 27:1

Wow - it's been a whole week - feels like eternity! I am feeling pretty good today. A little sore, but not bad. They did a "stab" biopsy ... nice, huh? Those orthopedic guys like trauma produced by weapons and power tools:) The anesthesia made me ill, but I think the effects are waning. They shaved my leg and put some sort of glue stuff and apparently some iodine on it as well (not sure why the whole leg needed it) but anyway... I have a nice tan on that leg but they didn't do a very good job of applying it evenly (apparently they don't know the finer details of successful self-tanning!)

I am extremely relieved that there are no other tumors. That is a huge load off of my mind. Keep praying - God is answering your prayers. Thank you to those of you who were in the waiting area yesterday. I understand that you guys had a lot of fun at my expense but most of all that you had a huge impact when you stood, held hands and prayed for me. What a testimony to the other people in that waiting area. I am truly humbled and blessed by your intercession on my behalf.

I was telling someone yesterday that my philosophy on death has changed (don't let that alarm you - I'm not going anywhere anytime soon as far as I know:) Just last week I said I'd rather die than have pain or disability. In that vein, I've always said I'd rather die suddenly than suffer. I've changed my mind...thus far, this has been a truly life-changing experience. Temporary pain and disability aren't that bad! And I would hate to die suddenly and not be able to experience the love I've felt from all of you over the last few days. Perhaps the words aren't spoken often enough or perhaps I have been too busy to hear them:)

Next, let me apologize to those of you who are not sleeping well ... it's all my fault. When I toss and turn and think about possibilities and probabilities and feel afraid, I do two things - I pray and ask God for His peace and I ask Him to awaken others to pray. I'll soon be stronger and won't ask God to wake you:) Thank you for your prayer and your intercession. I am truly blessed. You are a very important part of my healing process.

Some of you know that my favorite Christian songwriter/worship leader is Shannon Wexelberg. She came to our church about four years ago for a Night of Praise that I will never forget. If you get a few minutes, visit her website and listen to some of her music. One of my favorites is "You Are My Refuge". I've put the words to the chorus below:

You are my Refuge, you are my Sanctuary

When I feel afraid, you're my Hiding Place

You are my Refuge, and when the storms are raging

Underneath Your wings, I rejoice and sing

Oh, underneath Your wings, I rejoice and sing

You are my Refuge www.shannonwexelberg.com