Ever have one of those days when you feel so absolutely unable to pray for yourself and receive God's grace? I had one of those days today. This morning I prayed - God, why is so easy for me to pray for others and so hard for me to pray for myself? Why do I feel so unworthy of your grace and love sometimes?
I keep thinking that I have some time on my hands (okay not a lot right now in the midst of treatments) and that I should be spending hours and hours in the Word and in prayer...but can I be honest?? There are many times I am just a teeny bit disgruntled with my circumstances and just don't want to go there.
Don't get me wrong. I love Jesus with all my heart and have served Him just about everyday of my life. I stay positive 99% of the time - but there are those moments that I am still struggling with all of this. I wish so much to move beyond that.
The worst part of it all is that after I have these feelings, I then beat myself up because of my lack of faith. I know that's the enemy's double-whammy - but it's a real struggle for me at times.
I have not always been the most patient or grace-filled person:) My prayer is that God will transform me through this process and that I can walk more closely with Him in the future as I learn to live out the good - and the bad.
My heart's desire is to serve Him with a pure heart and live my life as a reflection of Him. Some days I really realize how far from that I am!
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27
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3 comments:
When you have the negative feelings, think them and then let them pass. The fact that you have the feelings makes you human. I think it is ok to tell God how much you think this stinks. He knows it does already. Even Jesus asked to give up the cross but said not his will but the Father's will be done. I think it is the same thing with your cancer. If you stayed in that place of negativity, I would worry about it affecting your progress, but you don't. Give yourself some grace. You're doing a wonderful job with your attitude. :O)
How about some of David's psalms as encouragement. He was lonely and weary and vented. You are allowed to not feel constantly strong. And, you are to be admired and appreciated for being vulnerable to share your and confess your weaknesses. Blessings to you, friend.
Sorry you are having a tough day.
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