What a day - here's the scoop:

- I went to the radiation oncologist today and he is suggesting either Proton Beam treatment or Neutron treatment. Proton would be in Houston and Neutron would be in Chicago or Seattle (the only two neutron facilities in the U.S.). He said that the treatment could be up to 5 or 6 weeks if in fact I am accepted for treatment. That's a whole new spin on my life to be away from my family and friends for that long. Please pray that we would have clarity and discernment over the next few days as we speak with these facilities and make decisions.

- I called my surgeon today to tell him I was having increased pain and decreased mobility in the hip joint over the last few days. He has scheduled me for a scan tomorrow at 2:45 pm (it was originally scheduled for next week) and will see me on Friday at 10:15 am to look at the scans and find out what is going on. Please pray that the tumor is not regrowing and that I am just a slow healer. I know it is likely I will have at least a hip replacement sometime in the next year due to the loss of cartilage (unless God miraculously gives me more!), but am really trying to avoid the more drastic surgery which may need to be done if the tumor returns.

Mom and dad are coming in tomorrow afternoon to help for a few days. If I am accepted for these treatments in Houston, Chicago or Seattle, the treatment will probably begin within the next couple of weeks. Thank God for email and web applications that I can do from anywhere! I'll REALLY be begging for work if I'm stuck in a foreign land by myself for 5-6 weeks!!

Whew - and God is STILL in control though at the moment nothing else seems to be:) Thanks for your prayers and your love. And to think, just last night I was thinking - "It's time to get back in the game and start defining the new norm" ... not so fast, cowgirl ... one day at a time. I was worried that I was starting to get depressed and now I just don't have time for it:)

But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. O my Strength, I sing praise to you; you, O God, are my fortress, my loving God. Psalm 59:16-17

It's been a good day. I did get to go to church this morning and it was so great to see everyone. Ryan serves on the Promiseland Tech Team for the 8:30 service, so it is a challenge to be ready to leave at 7:45 am when you move as slowly as I am right now. What'll it be like when I eventually am able to serve on Worship Team again - I have to leave at 6:15 am in order to do that:) When that happens, I hope I never forget what a "privilege" it is to serve!

I didn't try to drive this weekend. John had me practice in the recliner. The problem is moving from the gas to the brake. I tell my leg to move - it just doesn't do it! I'm hoping to start physical therapy in the next two to three weeks after the follow-up scan.

This morning, I think I realized that perhaps I am afraid to jump back into life -- mostly because I am afraid it will never be the same and I'm not totally sure how I will handle that. I've never been the little engine that had to think myself into doing something! I'm more like the engine at the top of the hill waiting impatiently for the other engines to join me:)

YES it's true. I will never be the same. Cancer is now woven into my life's tapestry, as well as all of the positive aspects of going through this trial. Success will now be redefined. Expectations and capacity will have to be altered. Normal will have new boundaries. The truth is this may have to occur several times over the coming years. Our futures on this earth are not as secure as we might like to think they are.

I'm still very much in the fire, but am adjusting to the heat. I don't think the flames have subsided, but I do think the presence of God is overshadowing me in a most powerful way. There is no safer place to be. There is no place I'd rather be - honestly. The only security we have is of the eternal.

He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Psalm 62:6-8

Denial: "It can't be happening."
Anger: "Why me? It's not fair."
Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my children graduate."
Depression: "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"
Acceptance: "It's going to be OK."

And these are the stages of grief. I revisted them this morning to see if I could figure out where I was in "the process". I think I haven't settled on any of them for very long ... maybe it's multiple grief disorder:)

I've communicated with quite a few people in the support group and they all seem to be impressed that I'm doing as well as I am -- WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?? :) No one ever told me what to expect in recovery, so I just assumed I'd be back to normal in 3 or 4 weeks. It's almost 7 now and I'm still pathetic!

John said he may take me out today and let me try to drive (I feel like I'm 16 again:) I think I can push the pedals, just not sure I can move from the gas to the brake. My aunt said I should put one foot on the brake and one on the gas - but that's just not something you get onto 380 and try!

When I am honest with myself, I admit I'm in a good place. Though it's difficult at times, it's good. I know that I am totally dependent upon God and totally dependent upon the help of others. That's an incredibly humbling and vulnerable place for me. Though I've always relied upon God to give me the strength to accomplish lots of tasks, I think I've been guilty of taking many things for granted.

May this experience above all give me incredible gratitude for life, for opportunity, for God's incredible provision in my life. He is the great "I Am". He is my Healer, my Provider, my Strength, my Peace, my Lord, my Savior.

I think I've mentioned this before, but on November 26, we had a staff retreat. During our prayer and worship time at the end of the day, I felt God prompting me to read Psalm 23. Of course I've read it a million times - but for those of you who were there, you may remember that God's spirit overcame me as I read it - in fact, I wasn't sure I'd finish the short eight verses. I believe that was God overshadowing me with His Spirit and preparing me for what was ahead. He is faithful.

For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Hebrews 4:12-13

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. I Thessalonians 5:16-18

So there's really not a lot of mystery of what God's will is for me today ... to be joyful, pray and give thanks! Sounds like a good plan, but I have to be honest - some days I'm not so good at it.

I had a lot of pain last night and ended up sleeping in the recliner from 2:00 am until morning. Bones, muscles and nerves really like to stir up a ruckus when they are healing in case you've never had the pleasure of experiencing this. In my mind, I'm strong, healthy and able. My body has its own mind:)

And so I wait - and so I listen - and so I rest - and so I wait (did I say that already??) God has a plan and I know He is healing me in many ways.

I got a call from the radiation oncologist today and I will meet with him on Monday morning to learn of options and risks of possible treatment plans. I pray again that God will give us clear direction and peace as he did with the chemo doctor this week.

My God can. He is able. He is in control.

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. II Corinthians 9:8

Well, we were out seven hours yesterday! Needless to say, when we got home last night I was exhausted. The visit with the medical oncologist went well. It seems they are proactive and have assured me that my questions will be answered and my calls returned so that is a BIG step forward. Other than that, the doc confirmed that the risks of chemo far outweigh the benefits. He is scheduling me with a radiation oncologist next week to find out about radiation possibilities. He is also moving my scan up a little and then will meet with me in two weeks to draft a plan. I also heard from MD Anderson yesterday and they say we need to wait for the scan before we determine anything. So, it was a good day of confirmation.

I've been thinking about the "what-ifs" of life alot these days and generally how it's so easy to let the "ifs" of life control how we respond in our daily lives. Very often they are excuses for not moving ahead in positive ways. Fear is certainly paralyzing. We've got to live for TODAY, people!

Sometimes we say things like "when I make more money, I will give more" or "when I have more time, I will volunteer" or "if I was talented like you, I'd serve too".

Why do we "rest" in futures we may never have or at other times "dwell" in pasts that we cannot change or relive? I truly believe God is interested in what we do TODAY - in the times when we feel we have nothing left to give - in the times when we close our ears to one more plea - in the times when we say we don't have time - or times when we use our personal perception of our lack of talent or ability as an excuse not to act.

Would you fail to make a difference today because you think there will be plenty of opportunities tomorrow? Don't let today's opportunities pass you by - an opportunity to praise God, an opportunity to encourage someone, an opportunity to say "I love you", an opportunity to lend a helping hand, give a dollar, give a hug. THIS is the meaning of life: to worship God and serve others. So do your best today, make choices that count, live every day as if it were your last, live without regrets ... HERE AND NOW.

But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations. Psalm 33:11

In Christian service, the branches that bear the most fruit hang the lowest. Anonymous

It is with true humility (probably the purest humility ever) that Christ made Himself a man and ultimately suffered and died on a cross. He was God and by His nature could have chosen not to do this, but He did it FOR US. What an example of humility. What an example of love.

What an example to follow! I pray that we all can remain low branches - that bear great fruit and that never try to raise ourselves above the "lower limbs". It does the Kingdom absolutely no good for us to be the top limb and though we appear to be reaching toward the heavens, actually make no difference for those that are so desperately trying to find nourishment from the tree.

I've always been the happiest when I am able to plan, create and serve behind the scenes and let others be in the limelight. I truly love seeing other people succeed. Even though that is my heart, there are certainly times when my carnal nature peaks its selfish head out:)

I am so blessed to come from a family of servants. My grandfather on my dad's side was a music minister for over 50 years (in the same church) - I'm pretty sure he never got a penny for it. He did it for his love of music and his love of people (and there are many people who now owe their love of music to him). He loved the Lawrence Welk show - can't help but smile everytime I see a rerun!

My mom's parents both served so faithfully for so many years - I think my Papa Jake mowed the church lawn for 50 years and probably did more auto repair for free than for charge as a self-employed mechanic! My granny served in every way possible in the church until she has been homebound in the last few years to take care of Papa Jake. My mom has served in every possible capacity in the church and in the public schools for years. I am married to a man who would give the shirt off of his back to help someone in need (we have stories to tell!) I have other family members too that are so generous. What a Godly example! What an example of running counter-cultural - especially in today's society. That is the motivation for my work ethic - that I would serve and would serve well (and if it's worth doing, it's worth doing well:)

Just this morning, my granny emailed me to tell me that she had been praying that God would let her bear some of my pain. Well, she fell on her back porch on Friday and hurt her hip:) I told her no more praying to take my pain!

Servanthood is my example and servanthood is my purpose. We are no good to a dying world if we aren't meeting their needs and providing the nourishment they need to make it onto the tree.
"Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Mark 10:43-45

I joined a cyber support group for pelvic chondrosarcoma this week. It has been great to chat with people who have experienced what I'm going through - there aren't many of us, you know! Here is a great video that one of my new friends sent - hope you enjoy it as much as I did. I have a six-week appointment with the medical oncologist on Tuesday. I am praying that they present a compelling treatment plan and that God will give us great peace and discernment.
http://www.thesurvivormovie.com/

The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you." So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. "Greetings," he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. Matthew 28:5-9