I'm exhausted! I went to Ryan's orchestra concert last night and then had my first rehab appointment today. I faintly remember the days of never sitting down between the hours of 6 am and midnight and am in awe of myself:)

So, here's the deal on the radiation. I still don't know what the plan is and neither do the docs. There are so many factors in my case that they're just not sure what the "right" decision is. For whatever reason, God has not given a clear path for us at this point. For those of you that know me well, you know I like my boundaries so this is a huge challenge for me.

I believe that God wants me to rely on Him daily and to allow room for Him to work in my life....but I LOVE my calendar and my plans and my processes and my agendas! Could it be that His purpose for me is much bigger than my grandest plans? I hope so.

I know He doesn't waste a tear and He doesn't waste pain. He has purpose in all of it and it is my prayer that above all He will be glorified.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, "He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him."But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved. Hebrews 10:35-39

Jesus lover of my soul, all consuming fire is in Your gaze
Jesus I want You to know, I will follow You all my days
For no one else in history is like You and history itself belongs to You
Alpha and Omega, You have loved me and I will share eternity with You

I awoke in the night with this song on my lips. I found a video of it on you tube (click below).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dD-ZdMOx_HY

I am amazed at His love for me. I am amazed at His care. Even though I am pitiful and pathetic (that's what I lovingly call myself these days), He is strong and able. There's no better place to be than in His hands.

I keep going through these exercises of surrender and submission and I think I've given all I can and then His spirit overcomes me again and I realize that somewhere deep within me there are still things being relinquished that I am not even consciously aware of. His healing is so much deeper than we will ever know.

Even though at times the physical pain goes deep, I know my spiritual pain must be deeper. I am in need of a Holy God and a Savior and a Healer and He is able to meet the needs above and beyond what I am even aware to ask Him for. What a good God we serve who goes beyond our comprehension and into the very core of who we are.

It's all about You, Jesus - And all this is for You - For Your glory and Your fame
It's not about me - As if You should do things my way
You alone are God and I surrender to Your ways

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, "I don't get it!" "You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or...you can choose to be in a bad mood I choose to be in a good mood." Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or...I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life. "Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life." I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back. I saw him about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins...Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter," he replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live." "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. He continued, "...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action." "What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said John. "She asked if I was allergic to anything 'Yes, I replied' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'" Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead." He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude...I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.

This story really spoke to me today and gave me a little chuckle so it's got to be good! I was able to go to church again yesterday and LOVED seeing everyone and feeling normal if just for a few minutes.

I am still awaiting a definitive word from the doctors on radiation - hopefully tomorrow. I've found myself saying those words a lot lately. Hope is a good thing.

It's been eight weeks today since surgery - sure thought I'd be feeling better by now. Patience...patience...patience. I am choosing to believe that God is healing me inside and out and that He makes all things beautiful IN HIS TIME.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. For surely, O Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield. Psalm 5:11-12

Isn't it good to serve God? Isn't it good to rejoice in Him? Isn't it good that He surrounds us with His favor as a shield? My soul yearns for His mercy and His healing.

Yes, it's time to rejoice in Him. It's time to praise Him for the blessings in my life, time to praise Him for His salvation, time to praise Him for His unfailing love and tender mercies that are new every morning. It's time to thank Him for the assurance of eternity and His provisions for today.

This battle is not mine. This sickness is not mine. It belongs to God and He is victorious. In Jesus' name, this is not a valley of suffering, but a valley of blessing:)

Jesus taught us to pray by first beginning with praise to Him. That is my plan for today!

One day Jesus was praying in a certain place. When he finished, one of his disciples said to him, "Lord, teach us to pray, just as John taught his disciples." He said to them, "When you pray, say: " 'Father, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come. Give us each day our daily bread. Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation. Luke 11:1-4

The Blacksmith's Shop by Max Lucado

In the shop of a blacksmith, there are three types of tools. There are tools on the junk pile: outdated, broken, dull, rusty. They sit in the cobwebbed corner, useless to their master, oblivious to their calling.

There are tools on the anvil:melted down, molten hot, moldable, changeable. They lie on the anvil, being shaped by their master, accepting their calling.

There are tools of usefulness:sharpened, primed, defined, mobile. They lie ready in the blacksmith’s tool chest, available to their master, fulfilling their calling.

Some people lie useless: lives broken, talents wasting, fires quenched, dreams dashed. They are tossed in with the scrap iron, in desperate need of repair, with no notion of purpose.

Others lie on the anvil: hearts open, hungry to change, wounds healing, visions clearing. They welcome the painful pounding of the blacksmith’s hammer, longing to be rebuilt, begging to be called.

Others lie in their Master’s hands: well tuned, uncompromising, polished, productive. They respond to their Master’s forearm, demanding nothing, surrendering all.

We are all somewhere in the blacksmith’s shop. We are either on the scrap pile, in the Master’s hands on the anvil, or in the tool chest. (Some of us have been in all three.) From the shelves to the workbench, from the water to the fire…I’m sure that somewhere you will see yourself. Paul spoke of becoming “an instrument for noble purposes.” And what a becoming it is! The rubbish pile of broken tools, the anvil of recasting, the hands of the Master- it’s a simultaneously joyful and painful voyage.

And for you who make the journey—who leave the heap and enter the fire, dare to be pounded on God’s anvil, and doggedly seek to discover your own purpose—take courage, for you await the privilege of being called “God’s chosen instruments".

So I think I have spent much of my life in the Master's hands, but have definitely been on the anvil over the last few weeks!

I feel pretty good about my appointment today. There were a few spots on the scan that they are going to watch, but the big one that I saw was cement from the surgery (and THAT is why I'm not a doctor:)

I go back to radiation on Tuesday to discuss a final treatment plan - still don't know where it'll be. I start rehab on Wednesday. So, at least things are moving which is a great relief to me.

I am still having pain in the hip joint, but he believes that it is from the femur rubbing against the cement in the hip socket. Still is saying the wide excision is an option if the spots don't go away. He would like to avoid that if possible because of the risks of that surgery.

So I really can't complain. You know how you hear of people going through pain and trials and others say "they never complained"... that isn't me. It's been a rough week of doctor's appointments, sickness and general blah - yet God is faithful and His peace has surrounded me in every way. I am blessed beyond measure.

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:14-21

My laptop crashed for the second time in a month - joy! John replaced the hard drive today, so we are back in business. I've been lost without it the last couple of days:)

We did do the scan yesterday. We won't know the results until in the morning. I am not a doc, but the scans don't look good to me. I'll wait for a professional opinion and pray for the best.

I've made contact with MD Anderson and I think they have everything they need to review my case. I have not heard from Chicago or Seattle, so will follow up with that tomorrow. Again, I cannot believe how diligent patients have to be to get the care they need. It's often frustrating.

So what now?? I don't know. I suspect if the tumor is back they will want to do more surgery and I don't know how that will affect any pending treatment. It truly is one day at a time isn't it?

I am so thankful for God's peace and His provision in every way. I do trust Him. In my human fraility I am tired and weak, but my faith in Him is strong.

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 42:11

We didn't get to do the scan today. We've rescheduled for tomorrow at 10:00 am. The doc gave me some pain patches to help me sleep through the night. Good news is that I slept all night - bad news is that the med made me sick. Anyway, the patch has been removed.

I did get a call from MD Anderson today and we are trying to get all of the reports, tests and scans to them so that they can do a medical review and determine if they will accept me for therapy.

Mom and Dad did get here this afternoon and we are so appreciative of their help. Tomorrow is a new day (thank goodness!)

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." Lamentations 3:22-24